crush me baby, i'm all ears.

When I'm alone I'm usually pretty happy, but I want a guy. When I have a guy I'm usually just miserable and insecure. Right now I'm in between and feeling very confused. Its nice to have someone to come home to, but I feel like the best part is trying to find him, trying to catch him. THE CRUSH! I fucking love the crush. I love the way it feels, the longing, the sappy songs I listen to, the sappier ones I write. How every little thing can remind you of that person just because you make it, simply because its all you can think about so you will find any wild, stretched out association you can. I love trying to figure out how they feel about you, I love trying not to talk about them cause you feel like a nerd, so you don't sound obsessive, but thats really all you can be and all you are. I love never knowing what will happen next. I love trying to turn any weird comment or look into something more, imagining he likes me to. Did you hear what he just said? Did you see the way he looked at me? I love the blood rushing to my face when he tells me how he feels. I love the adrenaline of the first kiss. I never ever want it to go away.

God forbid I should ever get the guts to talk to a cute guy. Instead my face chooses to freeze up in sort of a scowl and I look angry or like I'm constipated, thats IF I can even hold my head still long enough to make eye contact with said guy.

Today at the grocery store this guy kept looking at me, and he was cute, he had glasses and dark hair and a green shirt on. (green is my favorite color) HE KEPT LOOKING AT ME.. and I just kept shooting him down with my awkward body language and constipated glances. I am truly amazing.