I am a positive person

I am high functioning. I have the biggest dumbest heart ever. I love a little too much. I am a worrier. I can be obsessive. I get stressed out. I take care of people. I have never ever ever wanted to die.

I don't understand what makes anyone want to die, especially when they live in a nice house, and have awesome friends who love them and are totally supportive of them. Friends who are willing to do anything to keep you afloat, to make sure you're okay. Friends who feed you and stay up all night trying to convince you that you can get through this, its only a hurdle, a speed bump.

I called 911 for the first time in my life today. He was in a seizure and non responsive, and when he did look up at me his eyes went all googly. He didn't respond to his name, and he couldn't move. I accidentally put my arm in his sick, but that didn't bother me at all because I was too worried to worry. Sunday he tried to leave us, he almost did it. Today he told me he would get help. Today I found him almost dead. How many more times does this have to happen before he is okay? Can this be the last time?

boys...

How do I make them kiss me?

I am a killer of cars.

I drive them, and drive them, into the ground. so far into it. I am unmerciful. I am unrelenting. I am currently a "bike to work" kind of girl.

I borrowed the "company car" to move some stuff from my old house to my new house over the past few days, it is an old subaru wagon and really helped me get shit done. I was happy to have anything with a backseat as opposed to pack mule-ing items in my messenger bag on my bike. The worst time was when I decided to bring the ingredients to make cake with me:
5 lb bag flour,
5lb bag of sugar,
tub of shortening,
brand new big bottle of canola oil,
powdered sugar,
nearly full bottle of apple cider vinegar.

I got the approximately 20lb bag on my back and as it tightened on my chest and made things hard to breathe I simply repeated to myself "its only a mile, its only a mile" the entire way home.

Anyway the subaru did its duty, it got all of my crap over to the pillowfort in only 3 loads. This morning as I tried to leave for work the engine merely clicked at me. I tried to jump start it even though I was positive it was the starter, and I was right. There is now a dead subaru stuck in my driveway, hopefully it will be gone sometime tomorrow.

Everything is really overwhelming today, I can't wait to get off work, go to the bike store to buy a new lock and a light, and then bike downtown to see third eye blind for free at the park with lots of my friends. I am not moving anything tonight but might head over after the show to grab my ice skates and some pillowcases that are still at the house. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing behind the toilet last night so the old house is probably the last place I want to be tonight. I am so relieved to be finally done (almost) the remainder of my stuff there can almost definately fit into one garbage bag.

Tomorrow my band is playing an acoustic instore at hot topic, its a little strange but whatever its a show. We haven't sold out I promise.

c'mon get happy.

I have been slightly busy as of late, over the last 2 days I have moved almost everything I own from my old house (the motham) to my new house (the pillowfort) exactly .99 miles down the street. I have taken a lot of stuff by bike since I do not have a car currently as I wait anxiously for the warranty company to agree to fix my transmission. All the big stuff was moved by the brothers Lindow and my friend Mark, thanks guys!! All that remains in my old haunt is some kitchen appliances, food in the cupboards, and a tornado of random items and garbage awaiting sifting and packing.




I really love my new spot, it is .99 miles closer to work and cuts out one unnecessary hill I would have to ride up on my daily commute. Also it is in a nicer neighborhood with less mice and cockroaches! YES!!! The pillowfort also has a basement where my band can practice and where we can have shows once we test the waters and make sure the neighbors don't whine too much! It has a three car garage which won't house any cars, and an oven from the future!! My room is upstairs!! UPSTAIRS!!! I know this doesn't impress most of you but I have never lived in a house with stairs... so its really freaking exciting for me. Also, I already really fucking hate stairs.




The ceiling in my room is slanted on both sides because its the roof, I am one of the 2 people in the house that can actually stand up in that room without hitting my head so I feel like i've earned it. I do however hit my head on the slanted parts of the ceiling when I am digging through a clothes pile (my dresser won't fit) or playing records. I am getting used to slanty roof and seem to mind my noggin even when unnecessary. The best part is I have a great excuse to get handsome dudes to lay down in my bed with me. So where are all the handsome dudes?




Since my car is so lame and broken I have been riding my bike every day for the past 2 weeks to and from work. 10 miles a day, a little bit more from moving, and soon to be 1.98 miles less!! Yessss!! I love riding my bike but all of this "i have to" crap is getting on my nerves, I would really like to visit gilman or the east bay again someday. I am totally annoyed that I can't get out there, stupid BART. I mean technically I could ride my bike to the bus station and take a bus to Fremont and then the BART to Berkeley and then take a really long walk but since I can't bring my bike on BART it would take waaaayyyy tooo long and I don't feel good about locking my bike up in sketchy ass fremont. I do however thoroughly enjoy the amount of gas money I am saving.




Also my friends have been super duper awesome and supportive as of late, I am pretty positive I have the best friends I could ever ask for.

future oven!!



hot males lay down here.

midget door/ record nook

happy place.

Danny has anxiety.

I got to the show a little late, I rode my bike so I stashed it in the back and then began watching the first band. He walks up to me and motions for me to go outside with him. Of course I do, how could I deny his powers of handsome? He wanted to talk to me because we never get to talk cause he only sees me at shows, we talk about jobs, and houses, and how the first time is always the best time, "like sex" he says... and I guess I sorta froze up because I have never been good at talking about such things... I was mostly just shocked that this man whom I have re-fallen in love with every time he smiles at me since I met him in high school was talking to me so casually about sex. More than that I had recently come to believe that he was really Christian and wholesome and this just seemed to cancel all of that out. He also talked about chicken and he said I looked offended! I wasn't.

This was about two weeks ago. Everyday since I have planned to call him since he never gets to talk to me and everyday since I chicken out. I will tonight for sure. I ride my bike past his work on my way home from work, I always look for his car but I am never sure which one is actually his. I hope to someday ride in that car and maybe he will smile at me like he usually does and drop me off at home. Sometimes all I want is a handsome man to drive me around and kiss me. That will probably never happen.

In three weeks I head to the east coast for some shows in NYC and New Jersey, and Insubordination fest in Baltimore. I am really really excited to see all the bands. I am also kind of nervous. In three weeks I get to hang out with the last boy who broke my heart. Believe me the list is long but since this was the most recent it still feels fresh. I thought I had buried all these feelings away but the closer it gets the more anxious I feel. Uck. I know I will be okay and it will be fun and I will be fine but its hard to keep my emotions at bay. I think if i resist any urges to kiss him or cry I will be good, if I had any idea what he felt maybe I wouldn't be so bugged out but I'm not expecting any miracles. I probably shouldn't be allowed to talk to dudes anymore, I am kind of a mess.

I made it for you.

I still miss you, not as much as I used to but it's still there. I wish we could go back to the way things were but I know you're not the same.

I want to be in your life
I want to be in your life
Please let me back in.

garage sale saturday, I need to pay my hearts outstanding bills.

I am slowly downsizing my life. I have always kept everything, because it reminded me of someone or something and made me feel good, and now I realize maybe I don't need quite so many things to remind me of the people I love and one thing for each person will suffice. My best friend Tessa was over on Saturday and watched me go through boxes for several hours. She basked in my childhood memories and said that one of the things she loved most about me was that she could come here and listen to my memories, since she doesn't have quite as much memory evoking stuff.

Everyone has memories, but my little trinkets and doodads hold special pinpointed memories that I am slightly afraid to lose, but I know I don't want to haul all of this stuff around for the rest of my life. Since I don't have a place where I can really store any of this junk it will just be slowly chipped away at as my memory fades and I grow more and more weary of my cluttered existence.

My friend Angela went to one of those quater machines and put in quarters until she collected ALL of the homies for me.

I got all of these in happy meals in the 80's. Mac Tonight is also what I believed the boogeyman to look like. He lived in my grandfathers tool shed. I still think he is terrifying.

That being said the reason for the all of a sudden downsizing is I am moving, well that and the 6 boxes in the kitchen I never quite unpacked from when we moved in a year ago. We are upgrading to a large 4 bedroom house with 6 really awesome people crammed into it. It has a basement and an attic and although none of us have seen the inside of the house I am confident it will be fantastic as well. I drove by it yesterday and it gigantic! I am so excited to live in a house of such grandeur!! Also my friend mandie will be living with us and she has a dog which I am totally excited to live with. I can't wait!