nap-mares

I just woke up from my nap, I was taking the nap cause I felt like complete shit all morning. Like I was going to pass out but I had too many errands to run. I woke up from what I want to say was a "nap-mare" simply because it was a nightmare but not at night.

In the dream I was at my old house, where I grew up, and my dad was in the dining room on the computer. All of a sudden huge cockroaches started to come out of the ground, thousands of them but only in the room we were in. I pleaded with my dad to do something and he was too busy playing computer games and got angrier with every plea.

So basically the dream went a lot like that until I woke up, it seemed really long and torturous and waking up felt sooo good. I know dreams are supposed to be some sort of random laundry machine mixture of all the thoughts you have but this one felt like it had something to it, at least I felt like I could relate.

In the dream I was totally helpless, I had no bug spray and felt terrified and alone. In life I feel overwhelmed, work is insane, I have no control over anything, my body isn't really giving me what I want from it and I often feel like I don't really want to be responsible, for anything. I have also been playing a lot of facebook games lately haha. My daddy is no longer around to take care of me, I mean its been a while since he truly could take care of me, but at least he was around.

Last night was Leos party. I rushed home after work and made two lasagnas and constructed and frosted his ice cream cake which had been lying dormant in the freezer most of the week. I still have a purple spot of food coloring on the back of my left hand I cannot wash off. It was a very stressful start but turned out to be really fun and leo was really stoked. When I was recounting my pre party madness to some of my friends my friend max responded "yeah yeah we get it you're the perfect woman" which I totally agreed with of course. I didn't even realize I was trying, I just want to be a good friend.

Alexis just called me and I have to rescue her from her boring friends so she can come camera shopping with me. Mine likes to smoke after I take a picture, I'm pretty sure its going to die really soon involving something inside that's heating up finally popping and exploding and I don't want that to happen during my vacation!
I hope I can find a good one.

zombie demon bunnies from the depths of hell

Before I go on vacation I always get super anxious. I don't leave for a week and my backpack was halfway packed as of a week ago. I get so excited and I always worry I will forget something. Haha. I write myself lots of notes and lists and usually don't feel ready ever but eventually have to turn off the freak out and just be excited!

I am leaving for vacation in six days. SIX DAYS! Get me out of here already.

I've been on this whole reading kick lately, I have been reading watership down (its about bunnies) but I got a new book in the mail last night of short stories called "pretending the bed is a raft" in which the title story was the inspiration for one of my favorite movies "my life without me" so basically I have to read the story immediately, of course.

The movie, is unbearably sad, like huddled in the fetal position crying the entire movie sad. I really love sad movies, I think because I'm such a happy person. The story was also very sad, but really happy and funny at some points too. Eventually of course, I was in bed alone, in the dark crying, but that's kind of normal for me. Hahaha. I rule.

Right now I am watching my roomate play Doom 3 and he's kind of freaking out and says if I turn off the lights he will cry! Ha! I guess when I got home I scared him really bad cause I slammed the door. Sometimes doors just need to be slammed. Okay now he's cussing a lot and breathing funny.

I got a bunch of new records today, I should probably be saving money for the fest but I'm pretty sure this year I will be a bit more frugal than last year. I probably don't need quite as many tee shirts. Hahaha. Anyway, it was all new releases I really wanted to hear. Dillinger Four, Vivian Girls, Shorebirds, and the Arrivals (I only had the mp3's) And one alkaline trio record that finally got released on vinyl! 1234 go is always a bad idea cause I can't not spend money there, its so much stuff I want crammed into a tiny room. I grabbed 3 records immediately upon walking in. Bad news!

Okay time to read more about bunnies and listen to my new records.

mixed up mix tape.

I wish I didn't have feelings, they really freak me out and make me insane. Also I think I would do away with estrogen if it didn't make me so darn pretty. That being said I feel very mixed up lately, so since I can't seem to put it into words... this is what I'm feeling lately.
(in mixtape form!!! sorry I don't know how to make a cool download. you should buy them all anyway.)




The Mr. T Experience - I Just Want To Do It With You.

Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World

The Muffs - Crush Me

Dreamdate - New York City

That Dog - Long Island

The Get Up Kids - Last Place You Look

Paul Baribeau - Ten Things


Okay so there are probably a lot more songs that would describe the fucked up shit I'm feeling but I guess I am trying to be positive.

my hair...

...smells like purple.

little lungs

I went running tonight, I managed to strap myself down with 1 bra, 2 sports bras, and 1 bathing suit top. I was an immovable force. Running was easy, my legs work just fine, breathing was the hard part!

So I'm strapped down, which is making it hard to breathe, I was short of breath just looking for my tennis shoes, and on top of that I'm running at a pretty good pace (its dark and I'm scared) basically this is not routine for me and I'm a weakling. I had my big metal water bottle in case anyone tried to mess with me, but the only thing that did was a little dog. It scared the shit out of me.

I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, I mean, it looks ghetto, and people get shot, but only if they're looking for trouble. Its all latino families and kids and old ladies, so I feel really safe on the streets at night, which would probably freak my dad out. I made sure to only go to the left of my house where the other houses are, cause one block right is the main street with all the stores and people would be around, I also think that's where the "ghetto" starts. Haha.

I also don't like people "seeing" me excersize, I guess since everyone is a stranger here its okay, but in my old neighborhood everyone would try to talk to me about it, or ask why I stopped if I gave up. I also don't like to look weak in front of people, for example all my huffing and puffing tonight. My parents never excersized and I've never been really encouraged to do so, so it always felt like a shameful activity, like I was trying to be better than them. That's a really dumb way to think but I guess that's how I felt? I am over that now I think, but I'm still really private about it. Its weird!

My lungs feel like there is a deflated balloon wrapped around them, every breath seems like I'm working for it, and breathing still kind of hurts. When I breathe deep I want to cough. I think I freaked my body out, its not used to this kind of stuff. Haha. Anyway I should probably go to bed, I have to work in the morning.

Sunny D.

I am starting to feel better, I mostly only feel shitty at work, and that's because I'm at work. Also its really dusty and dirty here. Bleck! I want to try running tonight, but apparently I need like 10 more sports bras before I even try... okay that's an exaggeration, but I was told I should wear 3 of them, plus my regular bra to make for a non bouncy, no stretch marky run. Why the hell can't I just buy ONE that WORKS? I know society likes boobs, but they're really fucking inconvenient. I can't wear button up shirts, or find bathing suits that fit me, or run without wearing a shitload of sports bras and an ace bandage (yes my friend suggested I "ace bandage" myself down cause apparently that really helps.) Oh lord. Life is hard.

I know I rant a lot, but I'm actually very happy, life is just so rediculous sometimes. I've been feeling really good lately (other than being sick) and I'm just excited about everything thats coming up for me. I get to go on vacation in 3 weeks, the band is doing good despite the occasional tantrum (not from me!) Its just like I constantly have something to look forward to, which is exciting and I'm not used to it!



TIMELINE OF FUCKING GREAT SHIT:

october 18th - we're playing this weird hardcore show, its going to be super awkward but I don't care.

october 20th - loved ones at bottom of the hill, alexis's birthday. I have no idea what to get her.

october 24th - party for leo's birthday and trevor and alexis's anniversary! I'm going to make an ice cream cake.

october 29th - leave for first vacation!! hang out with amazing people and see amazing bands! NOT SLEEP!

november 8th - we're playing nickel city with jonah matranga, this is going to be weird. haha but cool.

november 9th - we're playing with fireworks at gilman (first gilman show) and i think we actually fit in with these bands and people might like us.

november 13th - vacation part deux! I am going to new jersey for the last ergs show, and a million other shows. I get to hang out with an awesome guy and lots of awesome friends. I get to eat tons of vegan food!! I might be looking forward to this vacation the most.

november 19th - sleep all day. (vacation from my vacation)



when I come back I get to worry about thanksgiving and stuffing my face with food, winter is always awesome cause I get to see my family and wear scarfs and stay inside and watch movies all the time. I get to bake as much as I want cause the oven makes the house warmer. I get to experience my first holiday away from home, its going to be weird but fun.

I feel really positive that everything is going to be okay.

reading, cookies & parties.

Today I slept in till 1pm. My casa kid bailed on me cause she had to do laundry and see her dad, I am totally okay with that. I was feeling sick still last night so I didn't really want to get up today anyway.
My roommates made me drink "grandpa tea" this morning, which smells disgusting but with the right amount of agave nectar tastes just fine. It actually made me feel a lot better. I stayed in bed most of the day and watched TV on DVD and finished the book I was reading.

Finishing books feels really good, I don't do it enough, I don't read enough, I'm trying to fix that. I will probably start a new book tonight, I'm pretty excited. It comes highly recommended. I have a bunch of books just waiting for me to read them.

I got a package in the mail today from a friend, getting packages in the mail is basically the best feeling ever. I can't express enough how good it makes me feel!
I also went grocery shopping today and made cookies, basically I had an extremely productive and unproductive day. It was awesome cause I felt like I did absolutely nothing. Which is what I prefer to do anyway. I'm a lazy jerk.

After I made cookies and finished books and did tons of nothing I went to a party at my friend chris piss's house. I was promised there would be a couch on fire, I saw no couch!!! I did manage to unload an annoying box of old bills that's been in my trunk for months. I can't just recycle that shit cause I get nervous about identity theft and so throwing that box on the fire made me feel instantly better.

I hung out for about two hours and then headed home, there were a tons of kids I knew and even more I didn't. Whenever I go to parties like that I feel better about myself cause I'm not a total loser and I'm not huffing endust. I basically hung out by the fire the whole time cause it was so cold.

I think I need to sleep now, I have to work in the morning!! Blehck. Goodnight.