holidays shmolidays.

My thanksgiving feast! It actually didn't take me very long, I made the pumpkin pie and chocolate tofu pie in advance, the tofurkeys in the crockpot, and the mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, gravy, sweet potato pie and peach cobbler were all pretty fast. I woke up at 10:30 and we we're eating and watching "a charlie brown thanksgiving" by 12:30. I felt pretty efficient. (and stuffed!) Everyone liked my food, even Alexis the picky eater tried a little of everything since I made sure to avoid all of her food allergy triggers. Nick and Linsday came over and ate a little too. (Nick thinks I should start a food blog called "food authority" because thats what he calls me, if I like something he knows he will too. What can I say, I have great taste [buds]) It was overall a pretty relaxed morning. In the late afternoon I made the two hour trek to Dixon, CA to see my dad and brother, his family and my cousins. It was good to see everyone but after the busy morning I was in no mood to be so far from home. I guess the whole "meaning" of thanksgiving was sort of lost this year, all I really wanted was the food. Ever since grandma died the holidays have been more of a chore than anything. I always find myself becoming a bit reclusive through the winter. At least I have leftovers!

This weekend was pretty good, I got absolutely nothing done, unless you count watching 20 episodes of 30 rock as an accomplishment. Yesterday I didn't leave the house, my casa kid bailed on me (I am totally okay with that) and so I had no real excuse to get out of bed. I thought about hitting up the mall to get some christmas shopping done but I am incredibly broke lately and am up to my ears in bills and debt so I thought it better to not aggravate myself, (mall parking.. shudder) or the situation any further. Last night a bunch of people came over, mostly my roommates friends but I have grown to like most of them too. They all got really drunk and stayed up half the night hooping and hollering and preventing me from sleeping. I only got up once at 4:30 am to tell them to move it into the living room so I could sleep. I figured if they woke up Alexis there would be hell to pay, and they all knew that and would probably be quieter. I am too nice to "throw bitch" in those situations. Actually I have before but it was when I lived at home and it was more like a tantrum than anything. I'm not a convincing bitch.

This morning I awoke to a very smelly house with 7 people sleeping in the living room. It reaked of B.O. and skunked beer. Vito was awake and had shoved some tissue in his nose because he apparently was sick but came over to party last night anyway. (and get everyone else sick pressumably) I woke up trevor for band practice after his 2 hour nap. I also sprayed febreeze on some late slumberers. (they can thank me later) I went onto the porch to talk to Alexis, who was very awake, who told me Trevor had threatened to divorce her last night. I realize tensions were high and everyone was less than sober and thought nothing of it until Trevor told me he "broke up" with her right before we left for practice. I told him "you can't break up with her, she's your wife." I continued to try and talk him out of it on the car ride to practice and during and after practice. I know getting married so young is a bad decision, and often ends in divorce but I love both of these people and just want them to be happy. Why can't life be more like fairy tales? Where the hell is my happy ending?

I miss you everyday.

Today is my Grandmother's birthday, my Abuelita, who raised me like a mother. Who supported me in everything I did, who never missed a play, choir preformance, or holiday. My guiding light, she taught me how to be confident, to be independant and most importantly to bargain shop. She never failed to tell me how beautiful she thought I was all the time, and no one better understood the importance of clean socks and underwear.

I still think about her everyday, and its so hard to hold back the tears when I talk about her. I always make jokes because my voice starts to quiver and my throat tightens. She was the most important person in my world and I have never felt as much love from anyone as I did from her. I know no one will ever make me feel that way again, I also know how lucky I was to have someone so amazing in my life.

I need to post more.

Okay so continued from last post, let's see if I can knock a whole summary of this vacation out in one post.

Thursday night, by now its Friday morning, I get to Chelsea's house only to be greeted by some of my favorite new jersey natives. I grab a spot on the couch and eventually Fid gives in to Mikey's drunken pleas to watch Friday. By that time it is 2:30 in the morning, I'm running on pure adrenaline and just stoked as all hell to be in New Jersey with my friends, what the hell, lets watch Friday. A lot of catching up happened, jokes were made, some sleeping guy who's name sounded like omellette yelled at me, all of dillinger 4 got drunk dialed, basically it was a great morning. I went upstairs to inflate the aerobed chelsea had provided and when I came back down everyone had passed out in weird places and I heard someone throwing up... a lot. I went upstairs and tossed and turned a little but I think I slept okay, even if I didn't it didn't seem to matter because I was so relieved to be anywhere but home.

Friday I wake up and walk downstairs, Dirty work is already playing on the TV and I sit down on the couch and watch with them. It was nice to wake up and not have to actually do anything for a long time. I eventually took a shower and then everyone took a nap, I woke up Joe so we could go to foodswings but in hindsight I realize that I probably should have let him sleep and I was poorly mistaken as to when it actually opened (Sorry Joe!) I thought it closed at 5 when I think it actually opened at 5, basically I caused us to wander around brooklyn for 4 hours in the cold. Oh well I had fun. I was just happy to be there.

We ate at a mexican food place called san loco, I didn't really enjoy it because I am so spoiled on california's mexican food. Also I hadn't eaten since the night before and my stomach had no doubt shrunken to the size of a golfball. I couldn't even finish the food in front of me. After sitting in san loco for a while Kate and some of her friends met up with us, we walked to a record store that I forget the name of and ran into my friend Alex which was nice. I also am pretty sure we walked by a friend of mine I haven't seen in a few years but he was wearing headphones and I didn't want to chase him down the street to see if it was him. After the record store Kate and her friends went to a show across town to see the "thorns of life" the new blake and cometbus band. I really wanted to go but really didn't want to walk or carry my bag around for that long. It was supposedly an hour ride away.

Joe and I set our sites on getting some warm drinks, my vegan eagle eye spotted a place that had a sign inside that said "vegan cakes" so I made a beeline and dragged Joe with me. Luckily they had coffee too. I ended up getting some very sour apple cider and a slice of vegan caramel apple cheesecake. it was delicious but I couldn't finish it! Damn you golf ball stomach! After sitting there for a while we walked to a place called "dumont burger" which apparently had amazing milkshakes. We met up with Chris A., Crystal and Kelly Lynn there and they got food and let me eat as many fries as I wanted. Eventually Grivet found us and we made our way to the show, finally dumping our bags off in his trunk.

Death by Audio is a room, with another room behind it. It has a bathroom with a door that doesn't lock (and a new pillowfights sticker on the wall) and I want to say there was a back patio for smoking, or maybe a bar? I didn't explore too much but apparently we were right next to a river in brooklyn, which I couldn't see because there was some stupid factory in the way. Ohh also on the way to brooklyn we switched trains and I noticed people taking pictures of something behind me, I turn around and low and behold its the empire state building. I was a little excited but tried not to get all touristy... I didn't even take a picture. It was a great view tho, oh well.

We missed the first band Get bent, but slingshot dakota was amazing, even though the drummer had recently had some sort of back injury. Cheeky was awesome even tho Kate took a little too long to get back from the thorns of life show and they cut their set short. Gordan Gano's army was spectacular but they didn't play the 2 songs I wanted to hear and Lemuria was amazing as usual! At the end of their set they got a little encore and everyone was shouting out their songs so I shouted out "mechanical" and Alex looked at Sheena and said "she came from california" and what do you think they played? Its the best song to end a set with in my opinion anyway.

After the show we took in Shayla last minute and headed back to Hotel Astoria. I finally got to see with my eyes the famous star wars bathroom and Chris laughed at me the entire time as I squeeked and eeped and oohd and aahd. It was really impressive! We all settled in and I took a shower and then went to bed. It was a suprisingly warm night so I felt comfortable and good to finally not be carrying around a heavy coat. In the morning we woke up early and got brooklyn bagels. I have been told that new yorks bagels are the best bagels, but I never realized just how much better they are. They are fantastic.

We all ate our bagels on the way to asbury park. I managed to actually finish mine (it took a while, it was a pretty large bagel) and I felt good about eating once again. The car ride there was very scenic and relaxing. It was raining and I always feel really good when it rains, except when I'm the one driving. We finally get to Asbury park after an hour and a half and immediately upon arriving I realize I have left my tickets in my backpack at Hotel Astoria. I immediately upon realizing this lose my shit and start crying uncontrollably. Oh me!

Everyone tries to calm me down and I panic and try to find tickets to the very sold out last Ergs shows, the matinee seems to be a breeze but the night show seems impossible to find tickets to. Mikey says they should have the names of everyone who bought tickets on a list and I try that, they don't. Jeff says not to worry they will figure out a way but I still worry. I bugged the lady at the door several times trying to pull up a confirmation on my PDA, and trying to get her to let me in until finally Melissa says she has a laptop and we can use that and show her. This calms me down some until we find out she didn't bring it today. I immediately lose my shit again, the woman Jennifer gives me a giant hug and says "just come in sweetie" I'm sure she was having a hard day dealing with tons of kids with no tickets, so I can't imagine me crying made her day any better but regardless she was my hero, my angel of mercy. She even gave me a drink ticket so I could get a drink and calm down and she told me not to worry about the night show cause she would be at the door.

Now that I am inside, and feeling much much better, and that everyone of my internet friends has seen me cry I can relax and have fun! The first show was awesome, The Jurks were pretty good, I had never heard them before, hunchback was amazing and played all the songs I wanted to hear and the Ergs were just mind blowingly good. They pulled out a bunch of songs I had never heard them play before and I was so happy to be there witnessing it all.

In between the shows Bill Florio (food hero) took me, Joe, and Larry to a vegan place called Kaya's Kitchen. It was really awesome that I was in a foreign land and found 3 meat eaters nice enough to eat pricey vegan food with me. I was very happy. I spent $30 just on food for myself, it was a little insane but so worth it. I got a fake philly cheesesteak and some chocolate cake. YUM! After food Bill dropped us back off in Asbury and we hung out in the cold and rain for a long time until we finally decided "enough of this shit, lets go to a gay bar."

Georgie's was a nice warm little bar, there were pictures of shirtless Justin Timberlake, David Beckham, (any my favorite) Josh Hartnett on the wall. Hubba Hubba. We took over a small corner of the bar, and probably annoyed the hell out of all the non-hetero's trying to get their gay on. I believe Chris A. and a few others got hit on, which is pretty awesome. After saying hi to even more people who were showing up for the show and becoming dry and warm we decided to head back to the show. Phrank let a bunch of people pile into his minivan and then we got in line... where we just got cold and wet again.

The last show was amazing. Lemuria killed me, Hunchback killed Jeff, and the Ergs killed a drumset. I was so glad I made it in, I was so happy to be in a room full of my friends, and I was so honored to be a part of it. The ergs have only been my favorite band for a year and a half, but I'm thankful I got to know them as well as I did, and that I got to be a part of it. I cried a little after they were done, and I hugged about thirty people. It was really beautiful that everyone was hugging everyone, they brought so many people together, and meant so much to all of us. This is getting cheesy so I'm going to cut it off.

After the show a bunch of us sweaty kids piled into Chris's car to head back to queens. We stopped for gas at the same station as Christian and the Johns. It was nice to get another goodby in! It was 5am already, Joe, Jon & Mark headed across a parking lot to get food while I stayed with Chris. After we realized they were taking a while we drove over there to flash the lights and honk the horn to no avail. Eventually Chris got out of the car and got them, Joe & Jon ran to the front of the building to steal a bundle of New York Times to pass out at the lost locker combo show. I have learned to not ask questions when it comes to their motives. We finally got back to the house and almost died waiting to get inside, it was THAT cold. Everyone just sort of passed out.

Sunday I got up early enough to take the first shower so that I wouldn't hold anyone up. We got more brooklyn bagels and headed over to the Cake Shop. I wanted to eat all the cake right away but decided to wait until I actually had an appetitte so I wouldn't have to carry it around nursing it all afternoon.

to be continued!

why am I even awake?

When we last left off I was stuck in an airport on a layover for my flight which was seriously delayed due to some fog in New Jersey. I ended up sitting in the airport for and extra hour and on the tarmack for two more. My friend melissa called me so I could at least hear the ergs basement show I was missing, oh well.

When I finally got to new jersey I took a train to new brunswick. Chelsea and Joe met me at the train station, which was awfully nice of them since it was cold and raining. It was actually just good to see some friendly faces.

To be continued... I have to watch wall-e!

here we are now, entertain us.

So we meet again, Charlotte North Carolina. This part of the airport seems totally unfamiliar and busy, granted last time I was here it was 6am exactly two weeks ago. My flight has been delayed due to "heavy air traffic" in Newark. You would think they would plan the air traffic in advance, "hey guys, lets not all land at the same time" "eeehh I dunno stan, eight mile high bumper planes sounds kind of fun." Its probably some simple airport lie just to make everyone feel better.

I'm not too bummed or in a hurry, I guess I get to hang out less but its no biggie as long as the trains still run that late. Unfortunately I'm programmed to fear being alone late at night so it should be an interesting train ride!


Last night me and my roommate Alexis discussed (at 10pm) what time we should leave for my 11:20 am flight this morning. We decided there would be traffic and should leave at 7:30 to ensure we get there before 9. This seemed like a sound idea until we were driving this morning and I realized I had to kill two and a half hours at the airport. She told me to try and bend my legs backwards so I could sit the other way in the chair, she's a sweet girl.

On the plane I sat next to a quiet indian fellow with bad breath, I wasn't trying to smell his breath but he kept yawning and eating. I also think he had gas cause I kept smelling farts. I turned on the air vent (which was not within arms length so I had to unbuckle my seatbelt and get on my knees on the seat) which mostly illeviated my problem but just made me feel cold the whole flight. Next to him was an old guy with a shiny red pillow, when I used the facilities in the middle of the flight he stood the whole time until I got back, I thought it was strange.

I finished the book I was reading on the plane, serves me right for bringing a short book. Its called "Love is a mixtape" by Rob Sheffield and the premise is basically this guy reliving memories of his deceased wife through the mixtapes they made together, each chapter is a mix tape. The author also writes for rolling stone so there are tons of juicy music tidbits in there too, honestly its like a half music half wife coctail. You know from the beggining that he is talking about his dead wife but when he finally tells the story of how it happened I lost it. I was a big sobbing crybaby on the airplane, luckily I had my ipod on so I couldn't hear my loud sobbing. (I'm sure it was annoying)

I am especially sentistive to stories with male widowers, It's to the point where if I ever get married I hope I don't die first simply because I couldn't handle leaving behind a helpless lost man to fend for himself. Maybe its my feminism talking, but I have always believed women are stronger and more capable of survival in these cases. I was raised by some very strong women, and some very sensitive men so I guess my ideals might be a bit skewed. I'm sure once I actually fall in love with someone who would actually consider marrying me I may think differently.

So of course reading this book about mixtapes made me want to make a mixtape, and considering I can't really do that I just made a playlist on my ipod. The mixtape is going to be for a guy I like, I've been trying to make him a mix for a while but am really bad at just sitting down and doing things. I don't feel so bad because he said he was going to make me a mix tape too and we both have put it off for several months already. I guess we have a mutual understanding that mixtapes are not at the top of either of our priority lists. I'm excited for this one though, I almost killed my ipod battery searching for songs.

We are probably going to start boarding soon so I am going to walk around before hand to stretch my legs and give my tail bone a rest before I must be confined to more lap belts!

I know I'm lazy, I know I'm stupid, I know you're okay, I know I blew it...

I decided that I need to stop worrying so much, actually I decided that a long time ago but haven't been sticking to it lately. I know that all I need is myself, a little confidence and the occasional chocolate bar to keep me sane. I know despite everything else in this fucked up world I will not quit, I refuse to.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want from my life and I'm really not sure anymore. I want to go away and just start over, but I feel obligated to stay in my job cause they kind of need me, I also finally have a band, I've always wanted to have a band. I just feel bored with everything lately. Oh well my lease isn't up until june anyways so I have a while to get over it or do something about it.

Speaking of band, I should have test presses for our 7" soon, that's right, production has started, I never thought it would actually happen. I am incredibly stoked. I can't wait to get those pretty little chunks of wax in the mail. I feel like I'm in a real band, yeah it still doesn't feel real.

Guys have been totally weird lately, I get attention from all of them except the one I want, and they're all mad at me it seems, over nothing. Its awesome. I hope this weekend is easier. I really just want to hang out and ignore the rest of the world, that probably won't happen but a girl can dream.

I'm leaving for new jersey thursday morning, I'm really excited and very very sad that I'm seeing the ergs for the last time. I know I'm going to cry, I always do.

sunny side up

Today was one of those days that just started out great and you just couldn't help but know when you woke up that it would stay great.

I fell asleep last night about half way into "the lonely guy" starring Steve Martin, the part where he hears on the news report about the lonely rock band that committed suicide! (Way to go Danielle!) I don't remember much after that. I went to bed thinking trevor couldn't practice and being anxious about not having a real band practice before our two shows this weekend. I woke up at 1:30 am and turned off the TV, this is pretty normal for me, I have a hard time staying awake through most things. Mark had sent me a bunch of aim messages asking if we were practicing and I sleepily typed back to him "its up to you guys" practice without a drummer seems useless. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning at about 8:30, I probably passed out by 10:30 so I got a considerably huge amount of sleep, which seems to be the case lately. I had a text from trevor saying he could practice after all, I texted him back out of laziness but then decided to just get out of bed and look for him, he was on the couch.

I sat with him for a good hour and watched the remainder of the sci-fi classic "the day the earth stood still." The house wasn't too cold, I could see the beautiful morning colors coming through the curtains and trevor seemed to have a fountain of knowledge spewing forth from him as he told me interesting movie facts. We marvelled at the amazing non computerized special effects, it was just such a great movie to wake up to.

After the movie I got ready for the day, ate pumpkin pie for breakfast and threw the tofurkey in the crock pot. (It had been staring me down from the fridge for far too long.)

I got to band practice five minutes late but five minutes before everyone else. Mark opted not to come so we did our best without him. My voice is totally shot from singing all weekend at the fest, I also have a cute little cough that I wanted to break into mid song. Tomorrow should be interesting, at least commadre will understand. Overall it was a lot of fun, the best part was probably me attempting to play the drums and sing "be my baby" while leo and trevor laughed their asses off. The combination of my overworked voice and horrible rythm skills is a treasure to be heard.

After practice I sat in a hammock for a long time and then went to work, work was the low point of my day but it wasn't so bad. I found out my friends are having a baby, which is nuts but they seem so excited. I also borrowed a bunch of dvds from work including two boxsets of haunting which my roomates will gladly watch with me, and some fraggle rock which I haven't watched in ages. I also used some store credit I had to pick up a MST3K boxset.

While making selections at work our universal rep came in and dropped off two tickets to see rise against at the event center by my house, I knew my friends would be there because Alkaline trio was opening. Since they were free tickets my boss was totally cool with me taking them and leaving work early to go to the show! I got my friend Jess to go with me but we both only really wanted to see alkaline trio so we went back to my place and ate at least half of the tofurkey, oh god it was delicious. Oh and more pumpkin pie (3 slices today, I'm a winner!)

We got to the show and found parking close to the school and took a short walk to the concert, we made sure to make fun of everyone we saw along the way and over dub their conversations with our own hilarity to make them look stupider. Jess is a lot younger than me, but mature enough that she doesn't get on my nerves, she kind of just makes me feel 18 again too. I really enjoy spending time with her. Anyway, we get in, I get stopped every two minutes by an old friend and we watch the last few Thrice songs and then head downstairs for Alkaline trio.

By this point I have found Avi, who I just saw all weekend, and some other old friends and we link arms and make a beeline into the sea of people, this seems like a bad idea, a really bad idea, but they only played one song I didn't know so I ended up jumping around like a maniac the entire time anyway. The best part about people seas are; 1. I can pretend to be beligerently drunk and fall on people or make them hold me up cause they've got nowhere else to go. 2. I can expell all my rage and anger by pushing everyone around me. 3. I can step on peoples toes, and pretend it was an accident. 4. I feel like I'm excersizing because of all the sweat. 5. I can jump and dance around like a moron and yell!

Okay I did all of those things, it was awesome. The best part for me was when this dude kept trying to push me back into the pit, I turned around and grinned like an idiot and pushed him twice as many times into everyone around him, obviously it was all in fun, cause I was grinning. I just loved watching this dude who was bigger than me tripping all over himself everytime I pushed him into something. The worst part was I managed to get teo flat tires! (The shoe kind) Those are annoying.

We left the show after alkaline trio played, after deciding against purchasing their 20 dollar tee shirts and 10 dollar beer coozies. I saw floyd on our way out and give him a nod which was weird cause I very seldom see him outside of San Fran. The walk back to the car felt amazing and I dropped Jess off so we could both crash out early. I got home and changed and have been just laying on my bed doing nothing for an hour, its kind of nice. I need to get to bed early so I can see my casa kid in the morning and possibly wake up early enough to eat breakfast before that. Life is hard. Goodnight.

fix my brain

I bought this light pink sweatshirt a few weeks ago, its almost like a mauve color. I just did laundry and washed the pink sweatshirt and it still looks dirty, its looked dirty since the second day I wore it. Never again shall I buy that shade of pink. I need to find a good tee shirt to cut up and sew on the back, I will go through some of my small ones and hopefully find something. Maybe a nice big backpatch will draw any attention away from how dirty it looks.

I didn't dye my hair yet, I wanted to wait until Alexis could help me, she's really good at that sort of thing, unfortunately she took off several hours before I got home and will be at work until well after I'm asleep.

My night however was not totally unproductive. I made 2 pumpkin pies, washed some dishes, vacuumed, did laundry, made trevor clean the porch (it was disgusting! Old beers, and other assorted drinks, rotting pumpkins whose faces collapsed and ashtrays full of cigarette butts! Yuck!) He did a very good job and then we watched some futurama special features and now its quiet time.

I realized today that thanksgiving is something I used to look forward to, but ever since my grandmother died I now dread it. Thanksgiving just makes me really sad since she's no longer around to share it with. The past two years have been awkward to say the least, both times I ended up trying to spend time with my batshit mother and then off to whoever I was dating at the times parents or grandparents house for an evening of good food but lots of awkward stares and questions.

This is my first thanksgiving completely alone, I live on my own now and I have no where to really go. I'm going to make a ton of food and just hope that my roommates and friends aren't too busy. Its like I have to scrape together a makeshift family, because all the family I love is either dead or far away.

This is getting depressing, I am going to pop in a movie to turn off my brain and fold laundry until I fall asleep.

not quite dead yet.

This past weekend I went to gainesville, florida to attend the FEST 7! It was a whole lot of fun and I barely slept or sat down the entire weekend. The past two night I have gone to bed/passed out early because I was so pooped. I met tons of new people and hung out with a lot of old friends too. Basically I had an amazing weekend and only missed 3 bands I wanted to see (atom and his package, chinese telephones, & future virgins) so I feel like I won the fest. (which I totally did)

I am leaving for vacation again a week from today, its basically no time at all and feels like this weird "in between vacations" lull, I don't actually want to work but I know I have to, I just want to keep having fun and shrugging off responsibility. BOO to being back at work, although I do enjoy sitting on my butt after experiencing the ache in my feet that the fest brought. Yay to being back home with my bed, I missed her.

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me, I hate being back at work, its boring and repetitive and did I already say boring? I had a breakdown while at work, I don't think anyone noticed cause I'm a pro crybaby at this point and have gotten pretty good at hiding it. I was anxious all day, I didn't really calm down until after work when I went grocery shopping. I bought pie shells and pumpkin and two tofurkeys and I got so excited I almost made all of it last night but when I got home I was way exhausted and hungry and my roommates were going to watch the new futurama movie.

TV has always had a very calming effect on me. It allows me to turn off my head and just stop thinking about whatever is bothering me. Reading sometimes has the same affect but my thoughts will often override what I'm reading and cause me to have to go back and read parts again. TV is the only surefire way to really forget all my problems. I know people say its bad, and that it will rot my brain, but sometimes I just need my brain to rot so it will stop thinking about whatever is causing me to spazz out!! It wasn't until late last night that I figured out the cause of all my anxiety was simply PMS, way to go estrogen, thanks for making me look like a total crazy idiot all the time. You're the best.

I bought some henna dye at whole foods last night and I think I may try it tonight. I have been feeling kinda "unpretty" lately and my hair has been looking worse and worse. Maybe a little change will do me good. Also the light hair just doesn't seem right for how cold it's been and my brown won't grown back fast enough. I'm starting to feel lonely again and I want to feel better about myself. Self esteem, who needs it!?