2009: year of the noodle.

These words stand as my resolutions for 2009, to be worked toward all year to make myself the person I want to be.

1. Manage money better. I need to get out of debt and cut up these credit cards.

2. Get rid of stuff. I have way too much stuff that I don't need, I need to ditch my pack rat ways.

3. Finish all my unfinished projects. I am really bad at this, I leave things unfinished for way too long.

4. Learn to play the guitar. I want to be able to write music for the lyrics and melodies I write. I also want to play all of my favorite songs.

5. Get in shape, this ones so common. I want to increase my lung capacity when I'm singing.

6. Stand up straight. I'm a slouchaholic.

7. Be a little more selfish. I often put others needs in front of my own, I shouldn't do this unless someone first proves they are worth that kind of sacrifice. I'm too nice.

8. Be happy, no matter what, do whatever it takes. This year I've been doing a lot of this, but the end of the year just got me down again. I am the only person who can make me happy, I need to remember that.

This concludes my resolutions for 2009. May I not procrastinate, forget or ignore them. Godspeed, me.

too many tee shirts!

I have always had an obsessive personality, I guess its a good thing that I learned at an early age to stay away from drugs and alcohol! Anyway my friends always make jokes about how I cannot just like something, I have to love it. A lot of the time they are right, when I find things I love I really go all out.

Music has always been a huge part of my life, sometimes I find something in the music that I just can't let go of. In this case I found a community, a ton of life long friends and a lot of free tee shirts. I had over 30 tee shirts for this band, it was out of control, and I didn't even wear them anymore! Since I have too much sentiment and memories attached to things like this, even though I rarely listen to their albums anymore, I had to find a better use for 30 tee shirts than clogging up my dresser! Thus the tee shirt quilt was born.


This part I did a while ago, I cut up all my tee shirts and sewed them together, I was told to use interfacing but I am reckless and I didn't have any so I just got all gung ho about it and went to work. This part was finished months and months before I even got the batting or backing for the quilt. I rule, and am terrible at finishing things. (new years resolution foreshadowing)



My Aunt worked at a fabric store for a very long time, she also "took home" a lot of stuff from work she probably wasn't supposed to. Her room is now a giant fleece museum and almost as equiped for my needs as the fabric store, except slightly less organized. Basically she had the batting I needed and piece of fleece almost big enough for the backing. SCORE! Also I'm in some debt and its nice to be able to reap the benefits of my crazy aunts need for space. So I said almost big enough, I didn't realize until I put it all together that it was too small, luckily I had a remnant from a long time ago that matched so it's a little ghetto but it works. It's not completely finished because it still needs to be tied in a few places but I need a special needle for that. Oh and I need to tack down some of the fleece in places and sew a few corners that didn't quite connect. But its more done than it has ever been and I'm proud of it. It is really heavy and awesome to sleep under too!

I have a few more bands I think I need to do this for too, my tee shirt collection is quite extensive and I look forward to whittling it down into more useful creations!
Yay for finally finishing something I started!

two kinds of ice cream, finding your skate key...

Next year all I'm asking for for christmas is socks. I got screwed this year in the sock department. It makes me miss my grandma even more, she was always good for that.

Lately this is whats keeping me going:













I'm not a very complicated woman.

even though I know I don't stand a chance...

I'll ask the jackpot question in advance...

I know my life isn't a romantic comedy, in fact it is so very far from it. Maybe just a comedy, or a tragic comedy. The romance parts are few and far between, and although I wish my life could be just like a drew barrymore movie (except that memory loss one that would suck) it's just not realistic.

When I was a little girl New years eve was so simple. My dad would let me stay up way past my bedtime and watch Bullwinkle on TV. For some reason I remember bullwinkle always being played on NYE, go figure. At midnight he would light off firecrackers in the street and I would get to drink sparkling cider. It was awesome, and so easy.

Presently New years eve is one of my most dreaded holidays. Ever since the idea of dates and parties were introduced it's just not as fun anymore. I can't handle huge parties, I get anxious around lots of people. Whenever we even have small parties at my house the only thing I can do to calm myself is start cleaning. It's WEIRD! I have always considered myself a very social person but I'm seeing that side of me fade more and more with age.

Anyway back to the point: New years eve. Its busy, its crazy, I never have anyone to kiss at midnight. (I got that from the movies too, I need to stop watching movies) I would rather just spend the evening in bed watching more mind altering films! That being said I have no idea what I'm doing this year. The only guy I'd want to kiss lives painfully far away and probably doesn't want to kiss me anymore. I can hopefully just wrap myself in the covers and pray that 2009 has lots of free cookies and cake.

Resolutions coming soon.

Lookie what I made!

My poor poor roommates didn't have any christmas stockings for Santa to fill with candy, (or in their case coal!) so I whipped up these for them on Christmas Eve. They reflect their own personalities and I'm pretty sure they liked them.
Trevor got Dinosaurs:

Alexis got Disney:



This was my first attempt at making a stocking, I made the disney one first that's why it's so skinny. I had to rip the seams and start over a few times trying to figure out how to get the white part on without showing stitches! It was fun and I think I did a pretty good job! I want to make these for all my friends next year! Its cheap and fun!

fulfilled

Today started off pretty bad. I was awakened at 7:30 by my roommates to open presents, that was pretty okay except I was exhausted from driving around at 2am looking for a place that was open so I could buy candy for the stockings I made them! Yeah I totally made them, I will post them later when I'm at a computer! Anyway I think they really liked their presents and just seemed overall stoked. That's the best part for me. While we were opening presents we watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (its a tradition now) which was also rad, and then they went to go eat breakfast with family.

I got right back into bed and went back to sleep, I woke up repeatedly to various phone calls and texts all morning from people I haven't seen in forever wishing me Merry Christmas. That was nice except each time I would get my hopes up that it was the one person I wanted to hear from, and each time I would get a little bummed out it wasn't. This was the overall lamest part of my day, the waiting, and putting so much importance on one person. It seriously messed me up, I really need to stop doing that. I feel a resolution coming on.

Sleeping in is not something I get to do very often, its a treat. Even on my days off I have long standing commitments I have to pull myself out of bed for. Be it band practice, flyering, or spending time with my CASA kid I never really ever get a day to myself. Today I blew off my family and stayed in bed. Sure I may not be the best daughter right now but I really didn't feel like I could handle that kind of hurdle on my first real day off in months! I stayed in my pajamas until 3pm and watched a christmas story twice, and the muppets christmas carol. I am now tempted to find my Disney christmas carol on VHS and watch that because frankly, I just want to. (I have probably watched it every year since I was spawned)

When I finally got out of bed I went and saw Spirit with my friends Nick and Chris, that was pretty cool and really crazy looking. I have never read the comic but Samuel L. Jackson was hilarious and kept talking about eggs. Right on! Then I came home, my sister stopped by for about 2 minutes to open her gift, and get a tour of my house! That was fun even though it was short. Almost immediately afterwards I made eggnog french toast and tofurkey with my bestie Rich, Christine and Carissa.

After filling our stomachs with food we headed to Richs house to watch the Harold and Kumar sequel, I have never seen the first one but It was pretty funny and I was the only one who didn't fall asleep. I walked home and my fingers froze from the cold.

Oh and I forgot to mention, my christmas wish came true! I got a Merry Christmas just like I asked for. It came when I had mostly given up hope, but it did come, and it made the holiday a little easier to digest. I know I shouldn't put so much importance on people, but its really hard when they are so important to me. I would be nothing without my friends, they are all I have and I've never been very good at letting go.

"Remember, no man is a failure who has friends." Merry Christmas.

In all honesty...

All I want for christmas is for you to be my friend again, and wish me a merry christmas.

a list of things I should probably do today.

1. Go to the bank, deposit christmas bonus, pay bills.

2. Go to fabric store so I can make my roommates christmas stockings (can you believe they don't have any?)

3. Come home, make stockings!

4. Go see Four Christmases with my bandmates, super bonding time. Vince Vaughn is nice to look at.

5. Go to Livermore to hang out with BFF and watch even more christmas horror movies! Eat dinner with her family.

6. Find a store that's open on the way home to buy my roommates candy for their stockings.

7. Watch a christmas story till I fall asleep, fill my heads with visions of dancing sugarplums. What the heck is a sugarplum?

gripes.

Dear Sir,
Please stop making me crazy.

Sincerely,
Me.

unkept

Today I brought a hairbrush to work with me, I had a big knot in my hair and was running late to work. This was an attempt on my part to correct the problem by brushing the knot out during some downtime at work. Did I use the hairbrush? Of course not! I picked at the knot with my fingers until I got frustrated enough to put it in a ponytail. Then I proceeded to pick at the ponytail until I would pull one strand hard enough to be annoying and stop. Repeat.

Status of hair: unbrushed.

Last time I brushed it: I honestly don't remember.... when I got back from Jersey?

Why do I still have hair?: Who knows!

Why won't I brush my hair?: Its not like I refuse to, I just think it looks better this way!! Its wavy and ultra chic!

Will I ever learn?: Probably not!

hold the mayo.

Last night in my dream I was driving a giant monster truck, for some reason I wanted to go to mcdonalds and get a cheeseburger but obviously I couldn't go through the drive-thru so I had to get out of the giant monster truck. I got the cheeseburger and forgot to ask for no meat, so with some clarification from a regular I figured out which part was the meat, (it was slimy and thin and small) and took it off and replaced it with a gigantic tater tot-thick hash brown patty. (apparently in my dreams its okay to eat cheese)I then tried to pay the man behind the counter, he stuttered a lot and kept messing up my total and telling me too much. I had a five dollar bill and was ready to pay him and he couldn't tell me how much I owed. I got mad and he seemed embarrassed and started sweeping the floors.

The manager was next to him laughing at him, I was getting angry at him for not letting me pay for my hash brown sandwich and I started yelling at him "WHY DO YOUR ARMS NOT OCCUR AT YOUR SIDES??" he had arms, so it really doesn't make sense but I kept screaming it over and over while he swept and the manager laughed. I was sooo tempted to leave without paying. I am pretty sure I attacked him too. In my frustration over not being able to pay for my meal apparently assault seemed like a great solution. When I woke up it felt like I had had a nightmare, probably because I was so frustrated and the dream kind of just stressed me out. I hate waking up like that.

Holiday Hell.

Holidays seem to bring out my traditional side. Every year, for the past four years I have spent an evening in Livermore, CA with my best friend Kristin and usually her sister and a few others watching horror movies, and in more recent years, Christmas themed ones. This night of nights always falls right before or on Christmas, basically whenever our busy schedules will permit, and has always been a highlight of the Christmas season for me. This year since I finally made the giant leap into adulthood and finally have my own "venue" for casual get togethers, I decided to host my very own horror Christmas party.

Let it be known that I am not the biggest party animal, I much prefer quiet evenings and small gatherings. I actually did not expect my movie marathon to be a big deal, or for that many people to show up but by the end of the night there was gambling, screams of laughter, way too many sweets in the kitchen and a dude crying in my front yard. Overall I think it did pretty good. The biggest hit of the night was a movie called "gingerdead man" which features Gary Busey as a psychopath who's spirit, with the help of a little careless baking, comes back in the form of a very pissed off gingerbread man.

Here is the trailer!


I have also recently purchased alot of Christmas movies that I love and usually watch for free on cable. Since I don't have cable this year I decided I needed to own them all to ensure none of them will be missed.

I just got some mind blowing information and have hit a word block and need to stop writing so I can be completely numb and starstruck for a little while.

"You're prettier than Eli Manning!"

I miss you so damn much.

snow on seventeen.

It has been so cold and rainy in San Jose, I haven't seen the sun in days. Today leaving work (to go to other work) I was actually kind of warm. As I approached the hill it was drizzling and the top of the hill looked cloudy and dark. Driving over the mountain at only 1808 feet I was excited to see little spots of snow on the side of the road and on rooftops, it made me smile despite the terribly sour mood I have been in.

I know snow is not a big deal for most people, but the first time I ever touched snow was in 2005, I was twenty two years old, so its kind of a big deal for me. I have only touched it once since, both times were in Tahoe, CA. Being remotely close to it makes me feel excited inside, like a little kid. The first person to take me to see the snow was my ex boyfriend Chad. We had planned the trip and broken up about a week previous but he insisted that I still come. It was a very awkward situation for me since I didn't want to be broken up but it was awesome to be experiencing something new and exciting with someone I cared about. Chad of course had seen snow a million times and lived in many snowy climates and hates the snow. The nicest thing he said to me after that trip was "I hate snow, but you made it awesome for about ten minutes."

I just found out there is this insane 17 day comedy fest happening in San Francisco next month, called SF sketchfest I really want to go to a lot of it but probably can't afford much. I will definitely make it a priority to make it to the State reunion, that should be awesome. I hope I can convince some friends to go with me.

it'll be okay.

I just can't seem to do anything right. You can't blame a girl for trying.

better me vs. butter me

I noticed last night that immediately after I cleaned the kitchen I wanted to make something really messy, and that is exactly what I did. I also realized with the help of my roommate that I do this almost everytime I clean the kitchen. Usually by the time I am done I am too tired to clean up and the kitchen remains a mess, just a slightly "fresher" mess.

I am pretty positive I maxed out my credit card yesterday on groceries. I am amazing and I like food. I guess I need to stop eating for a while to compensate... I already stopped buying records because its the holidays! Why can't food just be free?? There is a surplus of food in the world that is not being eaten, meanwhile people are starving and I am in debt up to my ears. My life is so hard.

I made cookies last night but failed to take pictures of all the steps for my new food blog, I will probably remake them for my Christmas party this weekend anyway, so I will hopefully remember to do it then. We had a work party at the bowling alley last night, my first game was pretty good but my second game sucked, I bowled a 63. Hell yes I AM that bad at bowling. I'm surprised I managed to knock that many down. I did get one strike but no one was looking as I yelled a lot and jumped up and down. Assholes.

sugar and my soul.

Today was an amazing day. I woke up warm, before the alarm so I had time to lay there and go back to sleep. Getting out of bed kind of sucked, my room was warm but the hallway was freezing and so was the bathroom floor! I had a little bit of time before work to go to safeway, I contemplated making croissants again but didn't want to feel rushed.

I stopped on the way to work to get food. Ramen, cubes of flavor, (I can never spell bouillion right) botan rice candy, bagels. I got to work a little late, I had the office to myself all morning because my boss switched to close and I got to listen to music and relax. I had some hot tea, I walked to 7eleven craving abba-zaba but they had none so I got a peanut butter cliff bar and a stale banana laffy taffy, that part sucked too.

After work I went to this marvelous candy shop called powell's. I really really wanted that abba-zaba and knew they would have it because they have everything. I got some fancy organic chocolate bars for my secret santa and a lot of other random candy to give to friends as gifts! I even got my roommate a candy cane shot glass! Weird!

I came home to a dark cold house, no one home, but next to the door was a package for me! I don't know if I've ever told you this, but getting packages is the best feeling in the entire world. A sweet boy sent me this one, it included a christmas mix tape, a zine and a vegan "low fat desserts" cook book that I have never seen before and am very excited to try out.

I popped in the tape, pressed play and then sprawled out on my bed with the zine and started reading. It felt really good as the christmas music warmed my soul and the zine which was sweet, honest, and funny warmed my heart. I love christmas, I love the smells and the sounds and the way everything twinkles. It would be awesome if the people I wanted to spend it with were a little closer but other than that I have no complaints.

After that I watched high fidelity and wrapped some presents, now I think its bed time.

sleepy fun dream time

In my dream last night I was at work, only it was a new work, I guess I had been transfered, but I knew how to do everything just none of my coworkers. Everyone was wearing white, this seems to be a theme lately.

A security guard came in and accused me of stealing sparkle lipsgloss! I didn't steal it but I thought about it in the store because it was kind of a rip off. (IRL) Anyway I am an adult, I don't steal, I just imagine ways I could. Haha. So in the dream security sam is being a total dick and wants me to show him the reciept which is of course at home, and of couse he's been trailing me all day. He pushed me in the dream too, what a jerk.

I guess my subconscious felt guilty for even thinking of stealing and released my inner mall security? I need to lighten up.

hunger pains and sparkle lip gloss

Today was rough, I didn't eat breakfast and went to work without stopping to get food. I had ramen at work for a light lunch but my stomach cannot handle an 8 hour shift on one ramen alone.

I have a drawer in my desk that has been designated "snack drawer" since I first inherited the desk from the guy who left it 3 years ago. He used the drawer for crusty rubber bands and paperclips, I think it serves a much better purpose now. Usually the snack drawer just has candy in it, I am a self diagnosed hypo glycemic and if I do not eat/have sugar I will cry for no reason. I am awesome, how many times do I have to tell you?

Anyway the snack drawer has been a bit barren lately, I managed to scrounge up some teddy graham cracker things and a bit of chocolate with coconut flakes before lunch and I made some popcorn after (everyone that came anywhere near my office said "popcorn" curiously. I'm glad their noses work.)

So finally I get home and eat some real food (pasta) and then drag my roommates to the mall to help me do some christmas shopping (I can't face the mall alone!) We head into bath and body works, I got my sister a bunch of lotions and opted to keep the free gift for myself. I also got some sparkle lip gloss for myself, because apparently I want to be 15 again. Anyway It taste like strawberries and I do not regret my purchase, even though Alexis said my lips looked "slimey". Its not like I am going to kiss anyone in the near future.

I went to this really smelly store called lush and picked up some presents for friends. Fancy soaps and "bath bombs" and stuff girls like! I always want to buy a bunch of stuff in that store but its sooo expensive, so I just get angry and leave. It also gives me a headache cause its soo strong.

We went to safeway to get some crescents so I could make food, I really wanted a pretzel at the mall but they weren't vegan so I compensated the best way I knew how. I made pigs in a blanket and also chocolate filled croissaints. It was awesome. I will post the "recipe" errr "directions" and a whole mess of pictures on my new blog once I get a chance. Nick told me on thanksgiving so soon, probably tomorrow, food authority: the blog! Will be born.

Anyway I stuffed my face with those, finished watching "christmas vacation" and now I'm falling asleep.

Goodnight.

I'm lost in the supermarket...

In my dream last night I was sleeping on a cot, to the left of the 15 items or less lane in the grocery store. I would awaken with the busy supermarket noises and try to roll over and go back to sleep, despite the many shoppers. In the dream this seemed completely normal and was probably a bi-weekley occurance for my dream double.

When I finally got up I saw my friend Jon from NY in one of the check out lanes. I haven't talked to him since I got back so I don't know how he got into my dream but whatever! I followed him outside and he put his arm over my shoulder in a chummy manner as we walked. I also noticed his arm was positioned in a way to keep me from coming to close as well. It looked really weird like it had two elbows.

We turned the corner outside the grocery store, I was wearing these white flannel pajamas that I would never wear in real life. Chris Crusher was there and some people I didn't know. I haven't talked to him either so that's weird too. Apparently they were in town for business or something because they looked important. I don't remember anything after that, I think I woke up.

hooooooooly crap!

Last night as I was driving home I was feeling pretty good, I was warm (thank you car heater) and I was a little hungry but it was the home stretch so I was okay. As I got into San Jose I selected a slow jam on my ipod and felt okay until I realized the lyrics were so sad and related to recent events in my life. The next track was also a big downer and I got sad and almost started to cry. I turned the corner to my house and saw a truck parked on the street with this rediculous blue womans face painted on the back of the bed, her hair was flowing across the truck into little stars. I screamed with laughter and forgot all about the sadness I felt seconds earlier.

I parked the car and debated going back to take a picture of the best truck I had ever SEEN. It was really cold and my roommates weren't home so I couldn't drag them outside to look at it with me. I hope I see it again someday.

yum yum gimme some.

Today I slept in, technically its my day off but I came into work SPECIFICALLY because my favorite label rep (he's close to my age and from the east coast and we always talk about good bands, most of the label reps are old! ewww) is coming today to take us out to lunch, so basically I am clocking in, doing a minimal amount of work and then getting a free lunch, after which I will clock out and go home for a while before I have to go to gilman tonight. I love food, and when it's free it's even better!

This morning I woke up at 7am, this is not normal for me. It took me a while to fall back asleep and I distracted myself with the PPMB. Okay I know I said I slept in but I did that after the initial wake up, I am pretty good at going back to sleep. Upon getting into the shower and pulling up the thing (you know, the THING) the shower head squirted me right in the head. I mean normally you want the water to hit your head, but I never go head first. This of course confused me and I had to blindly fumble around until I found the shower head to readjust it. My roomate Trevor is a behemoth and he doesn't shower very often, but when he does he likes the shower head really high. I guess it makes sense, but it still leaves me slightly crippled the rest of my shower from being attacked by water.

I am looking forward to today. I am going to hit up 1-2-3-4-GO! records to say hi to Bobby and get a christmas mix and hopefully the new razorcake. I always dread going there because I always spend waaaaay too much money and Bobby always asks me to buy him a pepsi. I need to load up my ipod with some christmas music since I've been wanting to hear more and more of it but the ipods full so I will probably rip/burn some CD's instead. Okay Rob is here, free lunch time!!

no tights, no flights.

If I could have any super power right now I would probably choose an unconventional one. You see a lot of the people I care about in my life are going through rough times right now, so my super power would make them all happy. I am not sure how it would work, maybe some sort of serotonin ray? The thought of having any sort of "ray" makes me feel more like a super villain but somehow I would make it work.

One of the most frustrating things for me is when I cannot make the people I love feel better. When I was younger it seems like I always could, at least people would tell me I did. Now that I'm older the problems have grown more intense, my loved ones more cynical, and my positive attitude just doesn't rub off like it used to. I know its not my responsibility to fix everyone's problems, I also know there if no possible way I ever could fix everyone's problems. (without a gigantic serotonin ray) The fact of the matter is I really really want to, even though it destroys me when I fail.

I am a very stubborn woman.

I got out of this shower this morning and upon reaching for my towel I realized the mirror said something through the fog.

"VADER, RELEASE HIM! YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FORCE!"

It took me a while to read cause I had to look at it from many different angles but I was pleased once I finally got the message. At least it started my day with a smile, today might be a good day.

holidays shmolidays.

My thanksgiving feast! It actually didn't take me very long, I made the pumpkin pie and chocolate tofu pie in advance, the tofurkeys in the crockpot, and the mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, gravy, sweet potato pie and peach cobbler were all pretty fast. I woke up at 10:30 and we we're eating and watching "a charlie brown thanksgiving" by 12:30. I felt pretty efficient. (and stuffed!) Everyone liked my food, even Alexis the picky eater tried a little of everything since I made sure to avoid all of her food allergy triggers. Nick and Linsday came over and ate a little too. (Nick thinks I should start a food blog called "food authority" because thats what he calls me, if I like something he knows he will too. What can I say, I have great taste [buds]) It was overall a pretty relaxed morning. In the late afternoon I made the two hour trek to Dixon, CA to see my dad and brother, his family and my cousins. It was good to see everyone but after the busy morning I was in no mood to be so far from home. I guess the whole "meaning" of thanksgiving was sort of lost this year, all I really wanted was the food. Ever since grandma died the holidays have been more of a chore than anything. I always find myself becoming a bit reclusive through the winter. At least I have leftovers!

This weekend was pretty good, I got absolutely nothing done, unless you count watching 20 episodes of 30 rock as an accomplishment. Yesterday I didn't leave the house, my casa kid bailed on me (I am totally okay with that) and so I had no real excuse to get out of bed. I thought about hitting up the mall to get some christmas shopping done but I am incredibly broke lately and am up to my ears in bills and debt so I thought it better to not aggravate myself, (mall parking.. shudder) or the situation any further. Last night a bunch of people came over, mostly my roommates friends but I have grown to like most of them too. They all got really drunk and stayed up half the night hooping and hollering and preventing me from sleeping. I only got up once at 4:30 am to tell them to move it into the living room so I could sleep. I figured if they woke up Alexis there would be hell to pay, and they all knew that and would probably be quieter. I am too nice to "throw bitch" in those situations. Actually I have before but it was when I lived at home and it was more like a tantrum than anything. I'm not a convincing bitch.

This morning I awoke to a very smelly house with 7 people sleeping in the living room. It reaked of B.O. and skunked beer. Vito was awake and had shoved some tissue in his nose because he apparently was sick but came over to party last night anyway. (and get everyone else sick pressumably) I woke up trevor for band practice after his 2 hour nap. I also sprayed febreeze on some late slumberers. (they can thank me later) I went onto the porch to talk to Alexis, who was very awake, who told me Trevor had threatened to divorce her last night. I realize tensions were high and everyone was less than sober and thought nothing of it until Trevor told me he "broke up" with her right before we left for practice. I told him "you can't break up with her, she's your wife." I continued to try and talk him out of it on the car ride to practice and during and after practice. I know getting married so young is a bad decision, and often ends in divorce but I love both of these people and just want them to be happy. Why can't life be more like fairy tales? Where the hell is my happy ending?

I miss you everyday.

Today is my Grandmother's birthday, my Abuelita, who raised me like a mother. Who supported me in everything I did, who never missed a play, choir preformance, or holiday. My guiding light, she taught me how to be confident, to be independant and most importantly to bargain shop. She never failed to tell me how beautiful she thought I was all the time, and no one better understood the importance of clean socks and underwear.

I still think about her everyday, and its so hard to hold back the tears when I talk about her. I always make jokes because my voice starts to quiver and my throat tightens. She was the most important person in my world and I have never felt as much love from anyone as I did from her. I know no one will ever make me feel that way again, I also know how lucky I was to have someone so amazing in my life.

I need to post more.

Okay so continued from last post, let's see if I can knock a whole summary of this vacation out in one post.

Thursday night, by now its Friday morning, I get to Chelsea's house only to be greeted by some of my favorite new jersey natives. I grab a spot on the couch and eventually Fid gives in to Mikey's drunken pleas to watch Friday. By that time it is 2:30 in the morning, I'm running on pure adrenaline and just stoked as all hell to be in New Jersey with my friends, what the hell, lets watch Friday. A lot of catching up happened, jokes were made, some sleeping guy who's name sounded like omellette yelled at me, all of dillinger 4 got drunk dialed, basically it was a great morning. I went upstairs to inflate the aerobed chelsea had provided and when I came back down everyone had passed out in weird places and I heard someone throwing up... a lot. I went upstairs and tossed and turned a little but I think I slept okay, even if I didn't it didn't seem to matter because I was so relieved to be anywhere but home.

Friday I wake up and walk downstairs, Dirty work is already playing on the TV and I sit down on the couch and watch with them. It was nice to wake up and not have to actually do anything for a long time. I eventually took a shower and then everyone took a nap, I woke up Joe so we could go to foodswings but in hindsight I realize that I probably should have let him sleep and I was poorly mistaken as to when it actually opened (Sorry Joe!) I thought it closed at 5 when I think it actually opened at 5, basically I caused us to wander around brooklyn for 4 hours in the cold. Oh well I had fun. I was just happy to be there.

We ate at a mexican food place called san loco, I didn't really enjoy it because I am so spoiled on california's mexican food. Also I hadn't eaten since the night before and my stomach had no doubt shrunken to the size of a golfball. I couldn't even finish the food in front of me. After sitting in san loco for a while Kate and some of her friends met up with us, we walked to a record store that I forget the name of and ran into my friend Alex which was nice. I also am pretty sure we walked by a friend of mine I haven't seen in a few years but he was wearing headphones and I didn't want to chase him down the street to see if it was him. After the record store Kate and her friends went to a show across town to see the "thorns of life" the new blake and cometbus band. I really wanted to go but really didn't want to walk or carry my bag around for that long. It was supposedly an hour ride away.

Joe and I set our sites on getting some warm drinks, my vegan eagle eye spotted a place that had a sign inside that said "vegan cakes" so I made a beeline and dragged Joe with me. Luckily they had coffee too. I ended up getting some very sour apple cider and a slice of vegan caramel apple cheesecake. it was delicious but I couldn't finish it! Damn you golf ball stomach! After sitting there for a while we walked to a place called "dumont burger" which apparently had amazing milkshakes. We met up with Chris A., Crystal and Kelly Lynn there and they got food and let me eat as many fries as I wanted. Eventually Grivet found us and we made our way to the show, finally dumping our bags off in his trunk.

Death by Audio is a room, with another room behind it. It has a bathroom with a door that doesn't lock (and a new pillowfights sticker on the wall) and I want to say there was a back patio for smoking, or maybe a bar? I didn't explore too much but apparently we were right next to a river in brooklyn, which I couldn't see because there was some stupid factory in the way. Ohh also on the way to brooklyn we switched trains and I noticed people taking pictures of something behind me, I turn around and low and behold its the empire state building. I was a little excited but tried not to get all touristy... I didn't even take a picture. It was a great view tho, oh well.

We missed the first band Get bent, but slingshot dakota was amazing, even though the drummer had recently had some sort of back injury. Cheeky was awesome even tho Kate took a little too long to get back from the thorns of life show and they cut their set short. Gordan Gano's army was spectacular but they didn't play the 2 songs I wanted to hear and Lemuria was amazing as usual! At the end of their set they got a little encore and everyone was shouting out their songs so I shouted out "mechanical" and Alex looked at Sheena and said "she came from california" and what do you think they played? Its the best song to end a set with in my opinion anyway.

After the show we took in Shayla last minute and headed back to Hotel Astoria. I finally got to see with my eyes the famous star wars bathroom and Chris laughed at me the entire time as I squeeked and eeped and oohd and aahd. It was really impressive! We all settled in and I took a shower and then went to bed. It was a suprisingly warm night so I felt comfortable and good to finally not be carrying around a heavy coat. In the morning we woke up early and got brooklyn bagels. I have been told that new yorks bagels are the best bagels, but I never realized just how much better they are. They are fantastic.

We all ate our bagels on the way to asbury park. I managed to actually finish mine (it took a while, it was a pretty large bagel) and I felt good about eating once again. The car ride there was very scenic and relaxing. It was raining and I always feel really good when it rains, except when I'm the one driving. We finally get to Asbury park after an hour and a half and immediately upon arriving I realize I have left my tickets in my backpack at Hotel Astoria. I immediately upon realizing this lose my shit and start crying uncontrollably. Oh me!

Everyone tries to calm me down and I panic and try to find tickets to the very sold out last Ergs shows, the matinee seems to be a breeze but the night show seems impossible to find tickets to. Mikey says they should have the names of everyone who bought tickets on a list and I try that, they don't. Jeff says not to worry they will figure out a way but I still worry. I bugged the lady at the door several times trying to pull up a confirmation on my PDA, and trying to get her to let me in until finally Melissa says she has a laptop and we can use that and show her. This calms me down some until we find out she didn't bring it today. I immediately lose my shit again, the woman Jennifer gives me a giant hug and says "just come in sweetie" I'm sure she was having a hard day dealing with tons of kids with no tickets, so I can't imagine me crying made her day any better but regardless she was my hero, my angel of mercy. She even gave me a drink ticket so I could get a drink and calm down and she told me not to worry about the night show cause she would be at the door.

Now that I am inside, and feeling much much better, and that everyone of my internet friends has seen me cry I can relax and have fun! The first show was awesome, The Jurks were pretty good, I had never heard them before, hunchback was amazing and played all the songs I wanted to hear and the Ergs were just mind blowingly good. They pulled out a bunch of songs I had never heard them play before and I was so happy to be there witnessing it all.

In between the shows Bill Florio (food hero) took me, Joe, and Larry to a vegan place called Kaya's Kitchen. It was really awesome that I was in a foreign land and found 3 meat eaters nice enough to eat pricey vegan food with me. I was very happy. I spent $30 just on food for myself, it was a little insane but so worth it. I got a fake philly cheesesteak and some chocolate cake. YUM! After food Bill dropped us back off in Asbury and we hung out in the cold and rain for a long time until we finally decided "enough of this shit, lets go to a gay bar."

Georgie's was a nice warm little bar, there were pictures of shirtless Justin Timberlake, David Beckham, (any my favorite) Josh Hartnett on the wall. Hubba Hubba. We took over a small corner of the bar, and probably annoyed the hell out of all the non-hetero's trying to get their gay on. I believe Chris A. and a few others got hit on, which is pretty awesome. After saying hi to even more people who were showing up for the show and becoming dry and warm we decided to head back to the show. Phrank let a bunch of people pile into his minivan and then we got in line... where we just got cold and wet again.

The last show was amazing. Lemuria killed me, Hunchback killed Jeff, and the Ergs killed a drumset. I was so glad I made it in, I was so happy to be in a room full of my friends, and I was so honored to be a part of it. The ergs have only been my favorite band for a year and a half, but I'm thankful I got to know them as well as I did, and that I got to be a part of it. I cried a little after they were done, and I hugged about thirty people. It was really beautiful that everyone was hugging everyone, they brought so many people together, and meant so much to all of us. This is getting cheesy so I'm going to cut it off.

After the show a bunch of us sweaty kids piled into Chris's car to head back to queens. We stopped for gas at the same station as Christian and the Johns. It was nice to get another goodby in! It was 5am already, Joe, Jon & Mark headed across a parking lot to get food while I stayed with Chris. After we realized they were taking a while we drove over there to flash the lights and honk the horn to no avail. Eventually Chris got out of the car and got them, Joe & Jon ran to the front of the building to steal a bundle of New York Times to pass out at the lost locker combo show. I have learned to not ask questions when it comes to their motives. We finally got back to the house and almost died waiting to get inside, it was THAT cold. Everyone just sort of passed out.

Sunday I got up early enough to take the first shower so that I wouldn't hold anyone up. We got more brooklyn bagels and headed over to the Cake Shop. I wanted to eat all the cake right away but decided to wait until I actually had an appetitte so I wouldn't have to carry it around nursing it all afternoon.

to be continued!

why am I even awake?

When we last left off I was stuck in an airport on a layover for my flight which was seriously delayed due to some fog in New Jersey. I ended up sitting in the airport for and extra hour and on the tarmack for two more. My friend melissa called me so I could at least hear the ergs basement show I was missing, oh well.

When I finally got to new jersey I took a train to new brunswick. Chelsea and Joe met me at the train station, which was awfully nice of them since it was cold and raining. It was actually just good to see some friendly faces.

To be continued... I have to watch wall-e!

here we are now, entertain us.

So we meet again, Charlotte North Carolina. This part of the airport seems totally unfamiliar and busy, granted last time I was here it was 6am exactly two weeks ago. My flight has been delayed due to "heavy air traffic" in Newark. You would think they would plan the air traffic in advance, "hey guys, lets not all land at the same time" "eeehh I dunno stan, eight mile high bumper planes sounds kind of fun." Its probably some simple airport lie just to make everyone feel better.

I'm not too bummed or in a hurry, I guess I get to hang out less but its no biggie as long as the trains still run that late. Unfortunately I'm programmed to fear being alone late at night so it should be an interesting train ride!


Last night me and my roommate Alexis discussed (at 10pm) what time we should leave for my 11:20 am flight this morning. We decided there would be traffic and should leave at 7:30 to ensure we get there before 9. This seemed like a sound idea until we were driving this morning and I realized I had to kill two and a half hours at the airport. She told me to try and bend my legs backwards so I could sit the other way in the chair, she's a sweet girl.

On the plane I sat next to a quiet indian fellow with bad breath, I wasn't trying to smell his breath but he kept yawning and eating. I also think he had gas cause I kept smelling farts. I turned on the air vent (which was not within arms length so I had to unbuckle my seatbelt and get on my knees on the seat) which mostly illeviated my problem but just made me feel cold the whole flight. Next to him was an old guy with a shiny red pillow, when I used the facilities in the middle of the flight he stood the whole time until I got back, I thought it was strange.

I finished the book I was reading on the plane, serves me right for bringing a short book. Its called "Love is a mixtape" by Rob Sheffield and the premise is basically this guy reliving memories of his deceased wife through the mixtapes they made together, each chapter is a mix tape. The author also writes for rolling stone so there are tons of juicy music tidbits in there too, honestly its like a half music half wife coctail. You know from the beggining that he is talking about his dead wife but when he finally tells the story of how it happened I lost it. I was a big sobbing crybaby on the airplane, luckily I had my ipod on so I couldn't hear my loud sobbing. (I'm sure it was annoying)

I am especially sentistive to stories with male widowers, It's to the point where if I ever get married I hope I don't die first simply because I couldn't handle leaving behind a helpless lost man to fend for himself. Maybe its my feminism talking, but I have always believed women are stronger and more capable of survival in these cases. I was raised by some very strong women, and some very sensitive men so I guess my ideals might be a bit skewed. I'm sure once I actually fall in love with someone who would actually consider marrying me I may think differently.

So of course reading this book about mixtapes made me want to make a mixtape, and considering I can't really do that I just made a playlist on my ipod. The mixtape is going to be for a guy I like, I've been trying to make him a mix for a while but am really bad at just sitting down and doing things. I don't feel so bad because he said he was going to make me a mix tape too and we both have put it off for several months already. I guess we have a mutual understanding that mixtapes are not at the top of either of our priority lists. I'm excited for this one though, I almost killed my ipod battery searching for songs.

We are probably going to start boarding soon so I am going to walk around before hand to stretch my legs and give my tail bone a rest before I must be confined to more lap belts!

I know I'm lazy, I know I'm stupid, I know you're okay, I know I blew it...

I decided that I need to stop worrying so much, actually I decided that a long time ago but haven't been sticking to it lately. I know that all I need is myself, a little confidence and the occasional chocolate bar to keep me sane. I know despite everything else in this fucked up world I will not quit, I refuse to.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want from my life and I'm really not sure anymore. I want to go away and just start over, but I feel obligated to stay in my job cause they kind of need me, I also finally have a band, I've always wanted to have a band. I just feel bored with everything lately. Oh well my lease isn't up until june anyways so I have a while to get over it or do something about it.

Speaking of band, I should have test presses for our 7" soon, that's right, production has started, I never thought it would actually happen. I am incredibly stoked. I can't wait to get those pretty little chunks of wax in the mail. I feel like I'm in a real band, yeah it still doesn't feel real.

Guys have been totally weird lately, I get attention from all of them except the one I want, and they're all mad at me it seems, over nothing. Its awesome. I hope this weekend is easier. I really just want to hang out and ignore the rest of the world, that probably won't happen but a girl can dream.

I'm leaving for new jersey thursday morning, I'm really excited and very very sad that I'm seeing the ergs for the last time. I know I'm going to cry, I always do.

sunny side up

Today was one of those days that just started out great and you just couldn't help but know when you woke up that it would stay great.

I fell asleep last night about half way into "the lonely guy" starring Steve Martin, the part where he hears on the news report about the lonely rock band that committed suicide! (Way to go Danielle!) I don't remember much after that. I went to bed thinking trevor couldn't practice and being anxious about not having a real band practice before our two shows this weekend. I woke up at 1:30 am and turned off the TV, this is pretty normal for me, I have a hard time staying awake through most things. Mark had sent me a bunch of aim messages asking if we were practicing and I sleepily typed back to him "its up to you guys" practice without a drummer seems useless. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning at about 8:30, I probably passed out by 10:30 so I got a considerably huge amount of sleep, which seems to be the case lately. I had a text from trevor saying he could practice after all, I texted him back out of laziness but then decided to just get out of bed and look for him, he was on the couch.

I sat with him for a good hour and watched the remainder of the sci-fi classic "the day the earth stood still." The house wasn't too cold, I could see the beautiful morning colors coming through the curtains and trevor seemed to have a fountain of knowledge spewing forth from him as he told me interesting movie facts. We marvelled at the amazing non computerized special effects, it was just such a great movie to wake up to.

After the movie I got ready for the day, ate pumpkin pie for breakfast and threw the tofurkey in the crock pot. (It had been staring me down from the fridge for far too long.)

I got to band practice five minutes late but five minutes before everyone else. Mark opted not to come so we did our best without him. My voice is totally shot from singing all weekend at the fest, I also have a cute little cough that I wanted to break into mid song. Tomorrow should be interesting, at least commadre will understand. Overall it was a lot of fun, the best part was probably me attempting to play the drums and sing "be my baby" while leo and trevor laughed their asses off. The combination of my overworked voice and horrible rythm skills is a treasure to be heard.

After practice I sat in a hammock for a long time and then went to work, work was the low point of my day but it wasn't so bad. I found out my friends are having a baby, which is nuts but they seem so excited. I also borrowed a bunch of dvds from work including two boxsets of haunting which my roomates will gladly watch with me, and some fraggle rock which I haven't watched in ages. I also used some store credit I had to pick up a MST3K boxset.

While making selections at work our universal rep came in and dropped off two tickets to see rise against at the event center by my house, I knew my friends would be there because Alkaline trio was opening. Since they were free tickets my boss was totally cool with me taking them and leaving work early to go to the show! I got my friend Jess to go with me but we both only really wanted to see alkaline trio so we went back to my place and ate at least half of the tofurkey, oh god it was delicious. Oh and more pumpkin pie (3 slices today, I'm a winner!)

We got to the show and found parking close to the school and took a short walk to the concert, we made sure to make fun of everyone we saw along the way and over dub their conversations with our own hilarity to make them look stupider. Jess is a lot younger than me, but mature enough that she doesn't get on my nerves, she kind of just makes me feel 18 again too. I really enjoy spending time with her. Anyway, we get in, I get stopped every two minutes by an old friend and we watch the last few Thrice songs and then head downstairs for Alkaline trio.

By this point I have found Avi, who I just saw all weekend, and some other old friends and we link arms and make a beeline into the sea of people, this seems like a bad idea, a really bad idea, but they only played one song I didn't know so I ended up jumping around like a maniac the entire time anyway. The best part about people seas are; 1. I can pretend to be beligerently drunk and fall on people or make them hold me up cause they've got nowhere else to go. 2. I can expell all my rage and anger by pushing everyone around me. 3. I can step on peoples toes, and pretend it was an accident. 4. I feel like I'm excersizing because of all the sweat. 5. I can jump and dance around like a moron and yell!

Okay I did all of those things, it was awesome. The best part for me was when this dude kept trying to push me back into the pit, I turned around and grinned like an idiot and pushed him twice as many times into everyone around him, obviously it was all in fun, cause I was grinning. I just loved watching this dude who was bigger than me tripping all over himself everytime I pushed him into something. The worst part was I managed to get teo flat tires! (The shoe kind) Those are annoying.

We left the show after alkaline trio played, after deciding against purchasing their 20 dollar tee shirts and 10 dollar beer coozies. I saw floyd on our way out and give him a nod which was weird cause I very seldom see him outside of San Fran. The walk back to the car felt amazing and I dropped Jess off so we could both crash out early. I got home and changed and have been just laying on my bed doing nothing for an hour, its kind of nice. I need to get to bed early so I can see my casa kid in the morning and possibly wake up early enough to eat breakfast before that. Life is hard. Goodnight.

fix my brain

I bought this light pink sweatshirt a few weeks ago, its almost like a mauve color. I just did laundry and washed the pink sweatshirt and it still looks dirty, its looked dirty since the second day I wore it. Never again shall I buy that shade of pink. I need to find a good tee shirt to cut up and sew on the back, I will go through some of my small ones and hopefully find something. Maybe a nice big backpatch will draw any attention away from how dirty it looks.

I didn't dye my hair yet, I wanted to wait until Alexis could help me, she's really good at that sort of thing, unfortunately she took off several hours before I got home and will be at work until well after I'm asleep.

My night however was not totally unproductive. I made 2 pumpkin pies, washed some dishes, vacuumed, did laundry, made trevor clean the porch (it was disgusting! Old beers, and other assorted drinks, rotting pumpkins whose faces collapsed and ashtrays full of cigarette butts! Yuck!) He did a very good job and then we watched some futurama special features and now its quiet time.

I realized today that thanksgiving is something I used to look forward to, but ever since my grandmother died I now dread it. Thanksgiving just makes me really sad since she's no longer around to share it with. The past two years have been awkward to say the least, both times I ended up trying to spend time with my batshit mother and then off to whoever I was dating at the times parents or grandparents house for an evening of good food but lots of awkward stares and questions.

This is my first thanksgiving completely alone, I live on my own now and I have no where to really go. I'm going to make a ton of food and just hope that my roommates and friends aren't too busy. Its like I have to scrape together a makeshift family, because all the family I love is either dead or far away.

This is getting depressing, I am going to pop in a movie to turn off my brain and fold laundry until I fall asleep.

not quite dead yet.

This past weekend I went to gainesville, florida to attend the FEST 7! It was a whole lot of fun and I barely slept or sat down the entire weekend. The past two night I have gone to bed/passed out early because I was so pooped. I met tons of new people and hung out with a lot of old friends too. Basically I had an amazing weekend and only missed 3 bands I wanted to see (atom and his package, chinese telephones, & future virgins) so I feel like I won the fest. (which I totally did)

I am leaving for vacation again a week from today, its basically no time at all and feels like this weird "in between vacations" lull, I don't actually want to work but I know I have to, I just want to keep having fun and shrugging off responsibility. BOO to being back at work, although I do enjoy sitting on my butt after experiencing the ache in my feet that the fest brought. Yay to being back home with my bed, I missed her.

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me, I hate being back at work, its boring and repetitive and did I already say boring? I had a breakdown while at work, I don't think anyone noticed cause I'm a pro crybaby at this point and have gotten pretty good at hiding it. I was anxious all day, I didn't really calm down until after work when I went grocery shopping. I bought pie shells and pumpkin and two tofurkeys and I got so excited I almost made all of it last night but when I got home I was way exhausted and hungry and my roommates were going to watch the new futurama movie.

TV has always had a very calming effect on me. It allows me to turn off my head and just stop thinking about whatever is bothering me. Reading sometimes has the same affect but my thoughts will often override what I'm reading and cause me to have to go back and read parts again. TV is the only surefire way to really forget all my problems. I know people say its bad, and that it will rot my brain, but sometimes I just need my brain to rot so it will stop thinking about whatever is causing me to spazz out!! It wasn't until late last night that I figured out the cause of all my anxiety was simply PMS, way to go estrogen, thanks for making me look like a total crazy idiot all the time. You're the best.

I bought some henna dye at whole foods last night and I think I may try it tonight. I have been feeling kinda "unpretty" lately and my hair has been looking worse and worse. Maybe a little change will do me good. Also the light hair just doesn't seem right for how cold it's been and my brown won't grown back fast enough. I'm starting to feel lonely again and I want to feel better about myself. Self esteem, who needs it!?

why do chairs have arms???

I just got to charlotte, its 30 degrees here, I felt like a big sissy baby cause I yelped as soon as the cold air hit me! This airport is fucking adorable cause there are ROCKING CHAIRS everywhere!!! Its like straight out of gone with the wind up in here.

US airways sucks cause I didn't get free beverages or even peanuts, the cheap bastards wanted to stiff me 2 bucks for drink!! That's air highway robbery! All of the simple pleasures of flying have dissapeared, I remember free drinks, I remember free pretzels and peanuts, I remember those little plastic pin on wings that used to be the best part of my trips. Now nothing is complimentary. The only comfort I still have is how beautiful everything looks from my window seat, a little slice of the world looking so perfect from way up high. I didn't sleep at all cause the seats were uncomfortable and all I can feel now is my tailbone.

I got my bag searched at SFO, I think I made a mistake taking my sweater off, I have tattoos and pink hair, so I MUST be an anarchist. He took a bunch of stuff out of my bag and rubbed a white circle of paper around the inside of it and all over my camera. He said it was to check for explosives, it looked like he was pretending. Other than that he was super nice while going through my personal stuff. I just smiled at him and pretended to be amused.

I got a jamba juice at the airport and everything else just made me think "wait I shouldn't be eating, this is when I usually sleep" My eyeballs are really dry and I can't get comfortable enough to sleep in these stupid airport benches, they have these stupid metal arms I somehow have to manuever my body around, fuck this I'm about to just lay on the floor. You can call me fire hazard.

nap-mares

I just woke up from my nap, I was taking the nap cause I felt like complete shit all morning. Like I was going to pass out but I had too many errands to run. I woke up from what I want to say was a "nap-mare" simply because it was a nightmare but not at night.

In the dream I was at my old house, where I grew up, and my dad was in the dining room on the computer. All of a sudden huge cockroaches started to come out of the ground, thousands of them but only in the room we were in. I pleaded with my dad to do something and he was too busy playing computer games and got angrier with every plea.

So basically the dream went a lot like that until I woke up, it seemed really long and torturous and waking up felt sooo good. I know dreams are supposed to be some sort of random laundry machine mixture of all the thoughts you have but this one felt like it had something to it, at least I felt like I could relate.

In the dream I was totally helpless, I had no bug spray and felt terrified and alone. In life I feel overwhelmed, work is insane, I have no control over anything, my body isn't really giving me what I want from it and I often feel like I don't really want to be responsible, for anything. I have also been playing a lot of facebook games lately haha. My daddy is no longer around to take care of me, I mean its been a while since he truly could take care of me, but at least he was around.

Last night was Leos party. I rushed home after work and made two lasagnas and constructed and frosted his ice cream cake which had been lying dormant in the freezer most of the week. I still have a purple spot of food coloring on the back of my left hand I cannot wash off. It was a very stressful start but turned out to be really fun and leo was really stoked. When I was recounting my pre party madness to some of my friends my friend max responded "yeah yeah we get it you're the perfect woman" which I totally agreed with of course. I didn't even realize I was trying, I just want to be a good friend.

Alexis just called me and I have to rescue her from her boring friends so she can come camera shopping with me. Mine likes to smoke after I take a picture, I'm pretty sure its going to die really soon involving something inside that's heating up finally popping and exploding and I don't want that to happen during my vacation!
I hope I can find a good one.

zombie demon bunnies from the depths of hell

Before I go on vacation I always get super anxious. I don't leave for a week and my backpack was halfway packed as of a week ago. I get so excited and I always worry I will forget something. Haha. I write myself lots of notes and lists and usually don't feel ready ever but eventually have to turn off the freak out and just be excited!

I am leaving for vacation in six days. SIX DAYS! Get me out of here already.

I've been on this whole reading kick lately, I have been reading watership down (its about bunnies) but I got a new book in the mail last night of short stories called "pretending the bed is a raft" in which the title story was the inspiration for one of my favorite movies "my life without me" so basically I have to read the story immediately, of course.

The movie, is unbearably sad, like huddled in the fetal position crying the entire movie sad. I really love sad movies, I think because I'm such a happy person. The story was also very sad, but really happy and funny at some points too. Eventually of course, I was in bed alone, in the dark crying, but that's kind of normal for me. Hahaha. I rule.

Right now I am watching my roomate play Doom 3 and he's kind of freaking out and says if I turn off the lights he will cry! Ha! I guess when I got home I scared him really bad cause I slammed the door. Sometimes doors just need to be slammed. Okay now he's cussing a lot and breathing funny.

I got a bunch of new records today, I should probably be saving money for the fest but I'm pretty sure this year I will be a bit more frugal than last year. I probably don't need quite as many tee shirts. Hahaha. Anyway, it was all new releases I really wanted to hear. Dillinger Four, Vivian Girls, Shorebirds, and the Arrivals (I only had the mp3's) And one alkaline trio record that finally got released on vinyl! 1234 go is always a bad idea cause I can't not spend money there, its so much stuff I want crammed into a tiny room. I grabbed 3 records immediately upon walking in. Bad news!

Okay time to read more about bunnies and listen to my new records.

mixed up mix tape.

I wish I didn't have feelings, they really freak me out and make me insane. Also I think I would do away with estrogen if it didn't make me so darn pretty. That being said I feel very mixed up lately, so since I can't seem to put it into words... this is what I'm feeling lately.
(in mixtape form!!! sorry I don't know how to make a cool download. you should buy them all anyway.)




The Mr. T Experience - I Just Want To Do It With You.

Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World

The Muffs - Crush Me

Dreamdate - New York City

That Dog - Long Island

The Get Up Kids - Last Place You Look

Paul Baribeau - Ten Things


Okay so there are probably a lot more songs that would describe the fucked up shit I'm feeling but I guess I am trying to be positive.

my hair...

...smells like purple.

little lungs

I went running tonight, I managed to strap myself down with 1 bra, 2 sports bras, and 1 bathing suit top. I was an immovable force. Running was easy, my legs work just fine, breathing was the hard part!

So I'm strapped down, which is making it hard to breathe, I was short of breath just looking for my tennis shoes, and on top of that I'm running at a pretty good pace (its dark and I'm scared) basically this is not routine for me and I'm a weakling. I had my big metal water bottle in case anyone tried to mess with me, but the only thing that did was a little dog. It scared the shit out of me.

I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, I mean, it looks ghetto, and people get shot, but only if they're looking for trouble. Its all latino families and kids and old ladies, so I feel really safe on the streets at night, which would probably freak my dad out. I made sure to only go to the left of my house where the other houses are, cause one block right is the main street with all the stores and people would be around, I also think that's where the "ghetto" starts. Haha.

I also don't like people "seeing" me excersize, I guess since everyone is a stranger here its okay, but in my old neighborhood everyone would try to talk to me about it, or ask why I stopped if I gave up. I also don't like to look weak in front of people, for example all my huffing and puffing tonight. My parents never excersized and I've never been really encouraged to do so, so it always felt like a shameful activity, like I was trying to be better than them. That's a really dumb way to think but I guess that's how I felt? I am over that now I think, but I'm still really private about it. Its weird!

My lungs feel like there is a deflated balloon wrapped around them, every breath seems like I'm working for it, and breathing still kind of hurts. When I breathe deep I want to cough. I think I freaked my body out, its not used to this kind of stuff. Haha. Anyway I should probably go to bed, I have to work in the morning.

Sunny D.

I am starting to feel better, I mostly only feel shitty at work, and that's because I'm at work. Also its really dusty and dirty here. Bleck! I want to try running tonight, but apparently I need like 10 more sports bras before I even try... okay that's an exaggeration, but I was told I should wear 3 of them, plus my regular bra to make for a non bouncy, no stretch marky run. Why the hell can't I just buy ONE that WORKS? I know society likes boobs, but they're really fucking inconvenient. I can't wear button up shirts, or find bathing suits that fit me, or run without wearing a shitload of sports bras and an ace bandage (yes my friend suggested I "ace bandage" myself down cause apparently that really helps.) Oh lord. Life is hard.

I know I rant a lot, but I'm actually very happy, life is just so rediculous sometimes. I've been feeling really good lately (other than being sick) and I'm just excited about everything thats coming up for me. I get to go on vacation in 3 weeks, the band is doing good despite the occasional tantrum (not from me!) Its just like I constantly have something to look forward to, which is exciting and I'm not used to it!



TIMELINE OF FUCKING GREAT SHIT:

october 18th - we're playing this weird hardcore show, its going to be super awkward but I don't care.

october 20th - loved ones at bottom of the hill, alexis's birthday. I have no idea what to get her.

october 24th - party for leo's birthday and trevor and alexis's anniversary! I'm going to make an ice cream cake.

october 29th - leave for first vacation!! hang out with amazing people and see amazing bands! NOT SLEEP!

november 8th - we're playing nickel city with jonah matranga, this is going to be weird. haha but cool.

november 9th - we're playing with fireworks at gilman (first gilman show) and i think we actually fit in with these bands and people might like us.

november 13th - vacation part deux! I am going to new jersey for the last ergs show, and a million other shows. I get to hang out with an awesome guy and lots of awesome friends. I get to eat tons of vegan food!! I might be looking forward to this vacation the most.

november 19th - sleep all day. (vacation from my vacation)



when I come back I get to worry about thanksgiving and stuffing my face with food, winter is always awesome cause I get to see my family and wear scarfs and stay inside and watch movies all the time. I get to bake as much as I want cause the oven makes the house warmer. I get to experience my first holiday away from home, its going to be weird but fun.

I feel really positive that everything is going to be okay.

reading, cookies & parties.

Today I slept in till 1pm. My casa kid bailed on me cause she had to do laundry and see her dad, I am totally okay with that. I was feeling sick still last night so I didn't really want to get up today anyway.
My roommates made me drink "grandpa tea" this morning, which smells disgusting but with the right amount of agave nectar tastes just fine. It actually made me feel a lot better. I stayed in bed most of the day and watched TV on DVD and finished the book I was reading.

Finishing books feels really good, I don't do it enough, I don't read enough, I'm trying to fix that. I will probably start a new book tonight, I'm pretty excited. It comes highly recommended. I have a bunch of books just waiting for me to read them.

I got a package in the mail today from a friend, getting packages in the mail is basically the best feeling ever. I can't express enough how good it makes me feel!
I also went grocery shopping today and made cookies, basically I had an extremely productive and unproductive day. It was awesome cause I felt like I did absolutely nothing. Which is what I prefer to do anyway. I'm a lazy jerk.

After I made cookies and finished books and did tons of nothing I went to a party at my friend chris piss's house. I was promised there would be a couch on fire, I saw no couch!!! I did manage to unload an annoying box of old bills that's been in my trunk for months. I can't just recycle that shit cause I get nervous about identity theft and so throwing that box on the fire made me feel instantly better.

I hung out for about two hours and then headed home, there were a tons of kids I knew and even more I didn't. Whenever I go to parties like that I feel better about myself cause I'm not a total loser and I'm not huffing endust. I basically hung out by the fire the whole time cause it was so cold.

I think I need to sleep now, I have to work in the morning!! Blehck. Goodnight.

all aboard! head cold city!!

Last night I thought my nose sounded like a train whistle, I was trying to go to sleep and it made the train noise twice when I breathed out. I was totally shocked and amazed and tried to make the noise more. Then I heard the actual train and realized I was dillusional from being up too late.

you inspire me.

Sometimes you meet someone, and somehow they manage to change your whole perception of what you want to be doing and who you want to be. Its really scary at first, but also you feel good all over like you've been submerged underwater for a long time and can finally breathe. Its like that first breath of life that's making you appreciate what you are and what you have all over again. The pressure is off and you can just be you.

I feel so lucky to be feeling this, along with the encouragement you give me to persue things I'm not really confident about. When you tell me I can its like I just jump in, which I don't think I ever could have done without that push. I know you don't realize you make me feel this way, but you do, and I want to say thank you. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

p.s.

I just get really nervous. I'm trying not to mess things up.

mostly angry, negative post.

My nose won't stop running, I want to rip it off of my face. At least I didn't have to go to gilman last night cause the bunny canceled. I had a weird night and said some dumb stuff but I think its okay now. Every time I'm really happy I freak out and say dumb shit and mess everything up! I really wish I could just shut up sometimes. I'm sorry. Other than that I stayed up too late watching fosters home for imaginary friends and trying to be a good host. Oh and trevor caught a huge spider. I love my roommates for being rad and friendly even when they hate my houseguests. I feel extra complainy today so I'm just going to stop there, on a positive note.

As promised, here are some flyers I made. I get really excited and sometimes go a little overboard with the colors, (as you can tell in the 2nd flyer) but why the hell does photoshop give me so many if they don't want me using them!!?? Haha yeah also my brain doesn't work so good for this art stuff at 3am. I really like the last flyer cause its very simple, and I think I want to make more like that.

Tonight I have to go to gilman to supervise (I'm important) a video shoot for NO BUNNY. Apparently this guy dresses up like a bunny and shoves the microphone down the front of his underwear, basically I'm really interested to see what is going to happen. Unfortunately I'm also really tired and kind of sick and would rather not drive an hour or deal with any of this crap. I also have a friend driving through town tonight thats staying at my place. He talks about himself a lot and is kind of creepy so I don't want to deal with that either. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep!!! I will feel better in the morning... when he leaves.

I feel like i've been a cranky pants lately, and not so much a good friend. I'm always too busy for anyone and anything and it sucks. When I do have downtime I spend it doing laundry or cleaning my house or watching DVD's by myself. I am so exciting. I really can't wait to go on vacation, it won't solve anything but I know I will come back a lot less cranky and stressed out. 26 days... oh god!

rain. work. vacation. art. lunch.

It rained last night. The first time in a while, I always forget how much I like fall. I had a great show last night with Paul Baribeau, Goodluck, Fischer and Sourpatch. It was my biggest show to date and lots of kids came out. It was one of those crowds where everyone there was in really good spirits and having a good time, no one was an asshole. It ruled. I got to sing a song with sourpatch which was totally fun. I couldn't hear myself at all but I got lots of compliments after so I guess I did okay. I hope someone took pictures.

I am stuck at work today and I'm starting to feel sick. I woke up with a sore throat, probably from too much singing yesterday. (band practice, and then the show) I really just want to go home and rest, oh well I can't complain too much. I need the money!

At the end of the month I am going to Florida for the fest. I am super duper anxious to get the hell out of here and go have some fun. There are hundreds of bands and people I am excited to see, and one person in particular I am REALLY excited to see! (If florida doesnt kill you first) I'm going to run around all weekend and go crazy and try to stop occasionally to breathe/sleep/eat! I can't wait!

I feel like i've been having a bit of writers block lately. I think i'm just too happy? I've been in super good spirits lately and its affecting my ability to create effectively. I have been doing a lot more arty stuff like flyers and I'm working on making a large stencily thing to make a tee shirt but so far I am totally failing at that. Also a few nights ago I was up till 3am making a flyer that looked like I was under the influence of psychedellic drugs. I like colors. LOTS of colors. SOOORRYY!! My roommate said if he saw that somewhere he wouldn't even try to read it. So basically I toned it down. I will try to post them soon.

I think its time for lunch.

Sourpatch, Goodluck & Paul Baribeau in Santa Cruz

On tuesday I went to see some of my friends play in Santa Cruz! It was way fun! So the show was supposed to start at 7, right after I got off work in Santa Cruz. I went to the show at 6:50 and proceeded to wait 40 minutes for the first band to set up. They seriously took forever and I don't understand what took them so long, but they were okay. The guitarist was really weird looking but very talented, and the majority of the band was short guys, he towered over them. Also they had an accordian player who I stared at for the majority of the set convinced that if I watched his hands I could somehow teach myself to play the accordian. The singer sounded like he was really trying to be Tom Grabel from against me. He didn't play anything he just sort of wiggled around. It was okay. The bass player's clothes were really small and he was a small guy too so it was very off putting. I made the mistake of standing in the front for the beginning of the set which made me unable to leave the front without feeling like an asshole. Shit I'm way too nice. After them my friend Mombo played acoustic and sang. He is good at the guitar but his voice is strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Its like he's going for a HWM type of sound but like he wouldn't naturally sing that way.

Next was sourpatch! pictured below!! They ruled, and I only have gooey amazing nice stuff to say about them so I will spare you.








Next was goodluck! I was blown away, they were totally amazing. Everyone went apeshit.




Next was paul baribeau, He only played 4 songs because the first band took so long to actually set up and play. I totally and completely blame them. Also it was a house show and no one mentioned it had to be over by 1030 until 9:30 when goodluck were setting up. He was amazing, despite the time limit and he told me after he was really pissed but didn't show it, he's a good sport.




After the show a bunch of us went to Saturn cafe (one of my very favorite vegetarian restaurants) to drink milkshakes and eat food. It was really fun. A bunch of people stiffed us on the check cause we had a group of 15 so that sucked. I didn't know some of the weirdos at the other side of the table. they looked dirty and poor. Rich likes r. kelly.

Me and Jennifer

Mandie through my blue water glass.

Nicole through same blue water glass, she is touching her elbow. I think she was dancing.

Something really funny happened.


The following day rich came with me to Berkeley to flyer the show, we didn't get a lot of flyering done but we did eat at herbivore, which was delicious. I got the soy chicken shwarma ( I spelled that right first try!) and a vegan chocolate shake. It was super chocolately and I really liked it.
Rich ordered the same thing with no pickles or avocado, but our server GASTON messed up and gave us the wrong one so he ate the one with the pickles and avocado and I was bummed for missing out on all that glorious avacado. Pickles are just meh.

GASTON!!!