2009: year of the noodle.

These words stand as my resolutions for 2009, to be worked toward all year to make myself the person I want to be.

1. Manage money better. I need to get out of debt and cut up these credit cards.

2. Get rid of stuff. I have way too much stuff that I don't need, I need to ditch my pack rat ways.

3. Finish all my unfinished projects. I am really bad at this, I leave things unfinished for way too long.

4. Learn to play the guitar. I want to be able to write music for the lyrics and melodies I write. I also want to play all of my favorite songs.

5. Get in shape, this ones so common. I want to increase my lung capacity when I'm singing.

6. Stand up straight. I'm a slouchaholic.

7. Be a little more selfish. I often put others needs in front of my own, I shouldn't do this unless someone first proves they are worth that kind of sacrifice. I'm too nice.

8. Be happy, no matter what, do whatever it takes. This year I've been doing a lot of this, but the end of the year just got me down again. I am the only person who can make me happy, I need to remember that.

This concludes my resolutions for 2009. May I not procrastinate, forget or ignore them. Godspeed, me.

too many tee shirts!

I have always had an obsessive personality, I guess its a good thing that I learned at an early age to stay away from drugs and alcohol! Anyway my friends always make jokes about how I cannot just like something, I have to love it. A lot of the time they are right, when I find things I love I really go all out.

Music has always been a huge part of my life, sometimes I find something in the music that I just can't let go of. In this case I found a community, a ton of life long friends and a lot of free tee shirts. I had over 30 tee shirts for this band, it was out of control, and I didn't even wear them anymore! Since I have too much sentiment and memories attached to things like this, even though I rarely listen to their albums anymore, I had to find a better use for 30 tee shirts than clogging up my dresser! Thus the tee shirt quilt was born.


This part I did a while ago, I cut up all my tee shirts and sewed them together, I was told to use interfacing but I am reckless and I didn't have any so I just got all gung ho about it and went to work. This part was finished months and months before I even got the batting or backing for the quilt. I rule, and am terrible at finishing things. (new years resolution foreshadowing)



My Aunt worked at a fabric store for a very long time, she also "took home" a lot of stuff from work she probably wasn't supposed to. Her room is now a giant fleece museum and almost as equiped for my needs as the fabric store, except slightly less organized. Basically she had the batting I needed and piece of fleece almost big enough for the backing. SCORE! Also I'm in some debt and its nice to be able to reap the benefits of my crazy aunts need for space. So I said almost big enough, I didn't realize until I put it all together that it was too small, luckily I had a remnant from a long time ago that matched so it's a little ghetto but it works. It's not completely finished because it still needs to be tied in a few places but I need a special needle for that. Oh and I need to tack down some of the fleece in places and sew a few corners that didn't quite connect. But its more done than it has ever been and I'm proud of it. It is really heavy and awesome to sleep under too!

I have a few more bands I think I need to do this for too, my tee shirt collection is quite extensive and I look forward to whittling it down into more useful creations!
Yay for finally finishing something I started!

two kinds of ice cream, finding your skate key...

Next year all I'm asking for for christmas is socks. I got screwed this year in the sock department. It makes me miss my grandma even more, she was always good for that.

Lately this is whats keeping me going:













I'm not a very complicated woman.

even though I know I don't stand a chance...

I'll ask the jackpot question in advance...

I know my life isn't a romantic comedy, in fact it is so very far from it. Maybe just a comedy, or a tragic comedy. The romance parts are few and far between, and although I wish my life could be just like a drew barrymore movie (except that memory loss one that would suck) it's just not realistic.

When I was a little girl New years eve was so simple. My dad would let me stay up way past my bedtime and watch Bullwinkle on TV. For some reason I remember bullwinkle always being played on NYE, go figure. At midnight he would light off firecrackers in the street and I would get to drink sparkling cider. It was awesome, and so easy.

Presently New years eve is one of my most dreaded holidays. Ever since the idea of dates and parties were introduced it's just not as fun anymore. I can't handle huge parties, I get anxious around lots of people. Whenever we even have small parties at my house the only thing I can do to calm myself is start cleaning. It's WEIRD! I have always considered myself a very social person but I'm seeing that side of me fade more and more with age.

Anyway back to the point: New years eve. Its busy, its crazy, I never have anyone to kiss at midnight. (I got that from the movies too, I need to stop watching movies) I would rather just spend the evening in bed watching more mind altering films! That being said I have no idea what I'm doing this year. The only guy I'd want to kiss lives painfully far away and probably doesn't want to kiss me anymore. I can hopefully just wrap myself in the covers and pray that 2009 has lots of free cookies and cake.

Resolutions coming soon.

Lookie what I made!

My poor poor roommates didn't have any christmas stockings for Santa to fill with candy, (or in their case coal!) so I whipped up these for them on Christmas Eve. They reflect their own personalities and I'm pretty sure they liked them.
Trevor got Dinosaurs:

Alexis got Disney:



This was my first attempt at making a stocking, I made the disney one first that's why it's so skinny. I had to rip the seams and start over a few times trying to figure out how to get the white part on without showing stitches! It was fun and I think I did a pretty good job! I want to make these for all my friends next year! Its cheap and fun!

fulfilled

Today started off pretty bad. I was awakened at 7:30 by my roommates to open presents, that was pretty okay except I was exhausted from driving around at 2am looking for a place that was open so I could buy candy for the stockings I made them! Yeah I totally made them, I will post them later when I'm at a computer! Anyway I think they really liked their presents and just seemed overall stoked. That's the best part for me. While we were opening presents we watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (its a tradition now) which was also rad, and then they went to go eat breakfast with family.

I got right back into bed and went back to sleep, I woke up repeatedly to various phone calls and texts all morning from people I haven't seen in forever wishing me Merry Christmas. That was nice except each time I would get my hopes up that it was the one person I wanted to hear from, and each time I would get a little bummed out it wasn't. This was the overall lamest part of my day, the waiting, and putting so much importance on one person. It seriously messed me up, I really need to stop doing that. I feel a resolution coming on.

Sleeping in is not something I get to do very often, its a treat. Even on my days off I have long standing commitments I have to pull myself out of bed for. Be it band practice, flyering, or spending time with my CASA kid I never really ever get a day to myself. Today I blew off my family and stayed in bed. Sure I may not be the best daughter right now but I really didn't feel like I could handle that kind of hurdle on my first real day off in months! I stayed in my pajamas until 3pm and watched a christmas story twice, and the muppets christmas carol. I am now tempted to find my Disney christmas carol on VHS and watch that because frankly, I just want to. (I have probably watched it every year since I was spawned)

When I finally got out of bed I went and saw Spirit with my friends Nick and Chris, that was pretty cool and really crazy looking. I have never read the comic but Samuel L. Jackson was hilarious and kept talking about eggs. Right on! Then I came home, my sister stopped by for about 2 minutes to open her gift, and get a tour of my house! That was fun even though it was short. Almost immediately afterwards I made eggnog french toast and tofurkey with my bestie Rich, Christine and Carissa.

After filling our stomachs with food we headed to Richs house to watch the Harold and Kumar sequel, I have never seen the first one but It was pretty funny and I was the only one who didn't fall asleep. I walked home and my fingers froze from the cold.

Oh and I forgot to mention, my christmas wish came true! I got a Merry Christmas just like I asked for. It came when I had mostly given up hope, but it did come, and it made the holiday a little easier to digest. I know I shouldn't put so much importance on people, but its really hard when they are so important to me. I would be nothing without my friends, they are all I have and I've never been very good at letting go.

"Remember, no man is a failure who has friends." Merry Christmas.

In all honesty...

All I want for christmas is for you to be my friend again, and wish me a merry christmas.

a list of things I should probably do today.

1. Go to the bank, deposit christmas bonus, pay bills.

2. Go to fabric store so I can make my roommates christmas stockings (can you believe they don't have any?)

3. Come home, make stockings!

4. Go see Four Christmases with my bandmates, super bonding time. Vince Vaughn is nice to look at.

5. Go to Livermore to hang out with BFF and watch even more christmas horror movies! Eat dinner with her family.

6. Find a store that's open on the way home to buy my roommates candy for their stockings.

7. Watch a christmas story till I fall asleep, fill my heads with visions of dancing sugarplums. What the heck is a sugarplum?

gripes.

Dear Sir,
Please stop making me crazy.

Sincerely,
Me.

unkept

Today I brought a hairbrush to work with me, I had a big knot in my hair and was running late to work. This was an attempt on my part to correct the problem by brushing the knot out during some downtime at work. Did I use the hairbrush? Of course not! I picked at the knot with my fingers until I got frustrated enough to put it in a ponytail. Then I proceeded to pick at the ponytail until I would pull one strand hard enough to be annoying and stop. Repeat.

Status of hair: unbrushed.

Last time I brushed it: I honestly don't remember.... when I got back from Jersey?

Why do I still have hair?: Who knows!

Why won't I brush my hair?: Its not like I refuse to, I just think it looks better this way!! Its wavy and ultra chic!

Will I ever learn?: Probably not!

hold the mayo.

Last night in my dream I was driving a giant monster truck, for some reason I wanted to go to mcdonalds and get a cheeseburger but obviously I couldn't go through the drive-thru so I had to get out of the giant monster truck. I got the cheeseburger and forgot to ask for no meat, so with some clarification from a regular I figured out which part was the meat, (it was slimy and thin and small) and took it off and replaced it with a gigantic tater tot-thick hash brown patty. (apparently in my dreams its okay to eat cheese)I then tried to pay the man behind the counter, he stuttered a lot and kept messing up my total and telling me too much. I had a five dollar bill and was ready to pay him and he couldn't tell me how much I owed. I got mad and he seemed embarrassed and started sweeping the floors.

The manager was next to him laughing at him, I was getting angry at him for not letting me pay for my hash brown sandwich and I started yelling at him "WHY DO YOUR ARMS NOT OCCUR AT YOUR SIDES??" he had arms, so it really doesn't make sense but I kept screaming it over and over while he swept and the manager laughed. I was sooo tempted to leave without paying. I am pretty sure I attacked him too. In my frustration over not being able to pay for my meal apparently assault seemed like a great solution. When I woke up it felt like I had had a nightmare, probably because I was so frustrated and the dream kind of just stressed me out. I hate waking up like that.

Holiday Hell.

Holidays seem to bring out my traditional side. Every year, for the past four years I have spent an evening in Livermore, CA with my best friend Kristin and usually her sister and a few others watching horror movies, and in more recent years, Christmas themed ones. This night of nights always falls right before or on Christmas, basically whenever our busy schedules will permit, and has always been a highlight of the Christmas season for me. This year since I finally made the giant leap into adulthood and finally have my own "venue" for casual get togethers, I decided to host my very own horror Christmas party.

Let it be known that I am not the biggest party animal, I much prefer quiet evenings and small gatherings. I actually did not expect my movie marathon to be a big deal, or for that many people to show up but by the end of the night there was gambling, screams of laughter, way too many sweets in the kitchen and a dude crying in my front yard. Overall I think it did pretty good. The biggest hit of the night was a movie called "gingerdead man" which features Gary Busey as a psychopath who's spirit, with the help of a little careless baking, comes back in the form of a very pissed off gingerbread man.

Here is the trailer!


I have also recently purchased alot of Christmas movies that I love and usually watch for free on cable. Since I don't have cable this year I decided I needed to own them all to ensure none of them will be missed.

I just got some mind blowing information and have hit a word block and need to stop writing so I can be completely numb and starstruck for a little while.

"You're prettier than Eli Manning!"

I miss you so damn much.

snow on seventeen.

It has been so cold and rainy in San Jose, I haven't seen the sun in days. Today leaving work (to go to other work) I was actually kind of warm. As I approached the hill it was drizzling and the top of the hill looked cloudy and dark. Driving over the mountain at only 1808 feet I was excited to see little spots of snow on the side of the road and on rooftops, it made me smile despite the terribly sour mood I have been in.

I know snow is not a big deal for most people, but the first time I ever touched snow was in 2005, I was twenty two years old, so its kind of a big deal for me. I have only touched it once since, both times were in Tahoe, CA. Being remotely close to it makes me feel excited inside, like a little kid. The first person to take me to see the snow was my ex boyfriend Chad. We had planned the trip and broken up about a week previous but he insisted that I still come. It was a very awkward situation for me since I didn't want to be broken up but it was awesome to be experiencing something new and exciting with someone I cared about. Chad of course had seen snow a million times and lived in many snowy climates and hates the snow. The nicest thing he said to me after that trip was "I hate snow, but you made it awesome for about ten minutes."

I just found out there is this insane 17 day comedy fest happening in San Francisco next month, called SF sketchfest I really want to go to a lot of it but probably can't afford much. I will definitely make it a priority to make it to the State reunion, that should be awesome. I hope I can convince some friends to go with me.

it'll be okay.

I just can't seem to do anything right. You can't blame a girl for trying.

better me vs. butter me

I noticed last night that immediately after I cleaned the kitchen I wanted to make something really messy, and that is exactly what I did. I also realized with the help of my roommate that I do this almost everytime I clean the kitchen. Usually by the time I am done I am too tired to clean up and the kitchen remains a mess, just a slightly "fresher" mess.

I am pretty positive I maxed out my credit card yesterday on groceries. I am amazing and I like food. I guess I need to stop eating for a while to compensate... I already stopped buying records because its the holidays! Why can't food just be free?? There is a surplus of food in the world that is not being eaten, meanwhile people are starving and I am in debt up to my ears. My life is so hard.

I made cookies last night but failed to take pictures of all the steps for my new food blog, I will probably remake them for my Christmas party this weekend anyway, so I will hopefully remember to do it then. We had a work party at the bowling alley last night, my first game was pretty good but my second game sucked, I bowled a 63. Hell yes I AM that bad at bowling. I'm surprised I managed to knock that many down. I did get one strike but no one was looking as I yelled a lot and jumped up and down. Assholes.

sugar and my soul.

Today was an amazing day. I woke up warm, before the alarm so I had time to lay there and go back to sleep. Getting out of bed kind of sucked, my room was warm but the hallway was freezing and so was the bathroom floor! I had a little bit of time before work to go to safeway, I contemplated making croissants again but didn't want to feel rushed.

I stopped on the way to work to get food. Ramen, cubes of flavor, (I can never spell bouillion right) botan rice candy, bagels. I got to work a little late, I had the office to myself all morning because my boss switched to close and I got to listen to music and relax. I had some hot tea, I walked to 7eleven craving abba-zaba but they had none so I got a peanut butter cliff bar and a stale banana laffy taffy, that part sucked too.

After work I went to this marvelous candy shop called powell's. I really really wanted that abba-zaba and knew they would have it because they have everything. I got some fancy organic chocolate bars for my secret santa and a lot of other random candy to give to friends as gifts! I even got my roommate a candy cane shot glass! Weird!

I came home to a dark cold house, no one home, but next to the door was a package for me! I don't know if I've ever told you this, but getting packages is the best feeling in the entire world. A sweet boy sent me this one, it included a christmas mix tape, a zine and a vegan "low fat desserts" cook book that I have never seen before and am very excited to try out.

I popped in the tape, pressed play and then sprawled out on my bed with the zine and started reading. It felt really good as the christmas music warmed my soul and the zine which was sweet, honest, and funny warmed my heart. I love christmas, I love the smells and the sounds and the way everything twinkles. It would be awesome if the people I wanted to spend it with were a little closer but other than that I have no complaints.

After that I watched high fidelity and wrapped some presents, now I think its bed time.

sleepy fun dream time

In my dream last night I was at work, only it was a new work, I guess I had been transfered, but I knew how to do everything just none of my coworkers. Everyone was wearing white, this seems to be a theme lately.

A security guard came in and accused me of stealing sparkle lipsgloss! I didn't steal it but I thought about it in the store because it was kind of a rip off. (IRL) Anyway I am an adult, I don't steal, I just imagine ways I could. Haha. So in the dream security sam is being a total dick and wants me to show him the reciept which is of course at home, and of couse he's been trailing me all day. He pushed me in the dream too, what a jerk.

I guess my subconscious felt guilty for even thinking of stealing and released my inner mall security? I need to lighten up.

hunger pains and sparkle lip gloss

Today was rough, I didn't eat breakfast and went to work without stopping to get food. I had ramen at work for a light lunch but my stomach cannot handle an 8 hour shift on one ramen alone.

I have a drawer in my desk that has been designated "snack drawer" since I first inherited the desk from the guy who left it 3 years ago. He used the drawer for crusty rubber bands and paperclips, I think it serves a much better purpose now. Usually the snack drawer just has candy in it, I am a self diagnosed hypo glycemic and if I do not eat/have sugar I will cry for no reason. I am awesome, how many times do I have to tell you?

Anyway the snack drawer has been a bit barren lately, I managed to scrounge up some teddy graham cracker things and a bit of chocolate with coconut flakes before lunch and I made some popcorn after (everyone that came anywhere near my office said "popcorn" curiously. I'm glad their noses work.)

So finally I get home and eat some real food (pasta) and then drag my roommates to the mall to help me do some christmas shopping (I can't face the mall alone!) We head into bath and body works, I got my sister a bunch of lotions and opted to keep the free gift for myself. I also got some sparkle lip gloss for myself, because apparently I want to be 15 again. Anyway It taste like strawberries and I do not regret my purchase, even though Alexis said my lips looked "slimey". Its not like I am going to kiss anyone in the near future.

I went to this really smelly store called lush and picked up some presents for friends. Fancy soaps and "bath bombs" and stuff girls like! I always want to buy a bunch of stuff in that store but its sooo expensive, so I just get angry and leave. It also gives me a headache cause its soo strong.

We went to safeway to get some crescents so I could make food, I really wanted a pretzel at the mall but they weren't vegan so I compensated the best way I knew how. I made pigs in a blanket and also chocolate filled croissaints. It was awesome. I will post the "recipe" errr "directions" and a whole mess of pictures on my new blog once I get a chance. Nick told me on thanksgiving so soon, probably tomorrow, food authority: the blog! Will be born.

Anyway I stuffed my face with those, finished watching "christmas vacation" and now I'm falling asleep.

Goodnight.

I'm lost in the supermarket...

In my dream last night I was sleeping on a cot, to the left of the 15 items or less lane in the grocery store. I would awaken with the busy supermarket noises and try to roll over and go back to sleep, despite the many shoppers. In the dream this seemed completely normal and was probably a bi-weekley occurance for my dream double.

When I finally got up I saw my friend Jon from NY in one of the check out lanes. I haven't talked to him since I got back so I don't know how he got into my dream but whatever! I followed him outside and he put his arm over my shoulder in a chummy manner as we walked. I also noticed his arm was positioned in a way to keep me from coming to close as well. It looked really weird like it had two elbows.

We turned the corner outside the grocery store, I was wearing these white flannel pajamas that I would never wear in real life. Chris Crusher was there and some people I didn't know. I haven't talked to him either so that's weird too. Apparently they were in town for business or something because they looked important. I don't remember anything after that, I think I woke up.

hooooooooly crap!

Last night as I was driving home I was feeling pretty good, I was warm (thank you car heater) and I was a little hungry but it was the home stretch so I was okay. As I got into San Jose I selected a slow jam on my ipod and felt okay until I realized the lyrics were so sad and related to recent events in my life. The next track was also a big downer and I got sad and almost started to cry. I turned the corner to my house and saw a truck parked on the street with this rediculous blue womans face painted on the back of the bed, her hair was flowing across the truck into little stars. I screamed with laughter and forgot all about the sadness I felt seconds earlier.

I parked the car and debated going back to take a picture of the best truck I had ever SEEN. It was really cold and my roommates weren't home so I couldn't drag them outside to look at it with me. I hope I see it again someday.

yum yum gimme some.

Today I slept in, technically its my day off but I came into work SPECIFICALLY because my favorite label rep (he's close to my age and from the east coast and we always talk about good bands, most of the label reps are old! ewww) is coming today to take us out to lunch, so basically I am clocking in, doing a minimal amount of work and then getting a free lunch, after which I will clock out and go home for a while before I have to go to gilman tonight. I love food, and when it's free it's even better!

This morning I woke up at 7am, this is not normal for me. It took me a while to fall back asleep and I distracted myself with the PPMB. Okay I know I said I slept in but I did that after the initial wake up, I am pretty good at going back to sleep. Upon getting into the shower and pulling up the thing (you know, the THING) the shower head squirted me right in the head. I mean normally you want the water to hit your head, but I never go head first. This of course confused me and I had to blindly fumble around until I found the shower head to readjust it. My roomate Trevor is a behemoth and he doesn't shower very often, but when he does he likes the shower head really high. I guess it makes sense, but it still leaves me slightly crippled the rest of my shower from being attacked by water.

I am looking forward to today. I am going to hit up 1-2-3-4-GO! records to say hi to Bobby and get a christmas mix and hopefully the new razorcake. I always dread going there because I always spend waaaaay too much money and Bobby always asks me to buy him a pepsi. I need to load up my ipod with some christmas music since I've been wanting to hear more and more of it but the ipods full so I will probably rip/burn some CD's instead. Okay Rob is here, free lunch time!!

no tights, no flights.

If I could have any super power right now I would probably choose an unconventional one. You see a lot of the people I care about in my life are going through rough times right now, so my super power would make them all happy. I am not sure how it would work, maybe some sort of serotonin ray? The thought of having any sort of "ray" makes me feel more like a super villain but somehow I would make it work.

One of the most frustrating things for me is when I cannot make the people I love feel better. When I was younger it seems like I always could, at least people would tell me I did. Now that I'm older the problems have grown more intense, my loved ones more cynical, and my positive attitude just doesn't rub off like it used to. I know its not my responsibility to fix everyone's problems, I also know there if no possible way I ever could fix everyone's problems. (without a gigantic serotonin ray) The fact of the matter is I really really want to, even though it destroys me when I fail.

I am a very stubborn woman.

I got out of this shower this morning and upon reaching for my towel I realized the mirror said something through the fog.

"VADER, RELEASE HIM! YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FORCE!"

It took me a while to read cause I had to look at it from many different angles but I was pleased once I finally got the message. At least it started my day with a smile, today might be a good day.