Thursday, October 30, 2008

why do chairs have arms???

I just got to charlotte, its 30 degrees here, I felt like a big sissy baby cause I yelped as soon as the cold air hit me! This airport is fucking adorable cause there are ROCKING CHAIRS everywhere!!! Its like straight out of gone with the wind up in here.

US airways sucks cause I didn't get free beverages or even peanuts, the cheap bastards wanted to stiff me 2 bucks for drink!! That's air highway robbery! All of the simple pleasures of flying have dissapeared, I remember free drinks, I remember free pretzels and peanuts, I remember those little plastic pin on wings that used to be the best part of my trips. Now nothing is complimentary. The only comfort I still have is how beautiful everything looks from my window seat, a little slice of the world looking so perfect from way up high. I didn't sleep at all cause the seats were uncomfortable and all I can feel now is my tailbone.

I got my bag searched at SFO, I think I made a mistake taking my sweater off, I have tattoos and pink hair, so I MUST be an anarchist. He took a bunch of stuff out of my bag and rubbed a white circle of paper around the inside of it and all over my camera. He said it was to check for explosives, it looked like he was pretending. Other than that he was super nice while going through my personal stuff. I just smiled at him and pretended to be amused.

I got a jamba juice at the airport and everything else just made me think "wait I shouldn't be eating, this is when I usually sleep" My eyeballs are really dry and I can't get comfortable enough to sleep in these stupid airport benches, they have these stupid metal arms I somehow have to manuever my body around, fuck this I'm about to just lay on the floor. You can call me fire hazard.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

nap-mares

I just woke up from my nap, I was taking the nap cause I felt like complete shit all morning. Like I was going to pass out but I had too many errands to run. I woke up from what I want to say was a "nap-mare" simply because it was a nightmare but not at night.

In the dream I was at my old house, where I grew up, and my dad was in the dining room on the computer. All of a sudden huge cockroaches started to come out of the ground, thousands of them but only in the room we were in. I pleaded with my dad to do something and he was too busy playing computer games and got angrier with every plea.

So basically the dream went a lot like that until I woke up, it seemed really long and torturous and waking up felt sooo good. I know dreams are supposed to be some sort of random laundry machine mixture of all the thoughts you have but this one felt like it had something to it, at least I felt like I could relate.

In the dream I was totally helpless, I had no bug spray and felt terrified and alone. In life I feel overwhelmed, work is insane, I have no control over anything, my body isn't really giving me what I want from it and I often feel like I don't really want to be responsible, for anything. I have also been playing a lot of facebook games lately haha. My daddy is no longer around to take care of me, I mean its been a while since he truly could take care of me, but at least he was around.

Last night was Leos party. I rushed home after work and made two lasagnas and constructed and frosted his ice cream cake which had been lying dormant in the freezer most of the week. I still have a purple spot of food coloring on the back of my left hand I cannot wash off. It was a very stressful start but turned out to be really fun and leo was really stoked. When I was recounting my pre party madness to some of my friends my friend max responded "yeah yeah we get it you're the perfect woman" which I totally agreed with of course. I didn't even realize I was trying, I just want to be a good friend.

Alexis just called me and I have to rescue her from her boring friends so she can come camera shopping with me. Mine likes to smoke after I take a picture, I'm pretty sure its going to die really soon involving something inside that's heating up finally popping and exploding and I don't want that to happen during my vacation!
I hope I can find a good one.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

zombie demon bunnies from the depths of hell

Before I go on vacation I always get super anxious. I don't leave for a week and my backpack was halfway packed as of a week ago. I get so excited and I always worry I will forget something. Haha. I write myself lots of notes and lists and usually don't feel ready ever but eventually have to turn off the freak out and just be excited!

I am leaving for vacation in six days. SIX DAYS! Get me out of here already.

I've been on this whole reading kick lately, I have been reading watership down (its about bunnies) but I got a new book in the mail last night of short stories called "pretending the bed is a raft" in which the title story was the inspiration for one of my favorite movies "my life without me" so basically I have to read the story immediately, of course.

The movie, is unbearably sad, like huddled in the fetal position crying the entire movie sad. I really love sad movies, I think because I'm such a happy person. The story was also very sad, but really happy and funny at some points too. Eventually of course, I was in bed alone, in the dark crying, but that's kind of normal for me. Hahaha. I rule.

Right now I am watching my roomate play Doom 3 and he's kind of freaking out and says if I turn off the lights he will cry! Ha! I guess when I got home I scared him really bad cause I slammed the door. Sometimes doors just need to be slammed. Okay now he's cussing a lot and breathing funny.

I got a bunch of new records today, I should probably be saving money for the fest but I'm pretty sure this year I will be a bit more frugal than last year. I probably don't need quite as many tee shirts. Hahaha. Anyway, it was all new releases I really wanted to hear. Dillinger Four, Vivian Girls, Shorebirds, and the Arrivals (I only had the mp3's) And one alkaline trio record that finally got released on vinyl! 1234 go is always a bad idea cause I can't not spend money there, its so much stuff I want crammed into a tiny room. I grabbed 3 records immediately upon walking in. Bad news!

Okay time to read more about bunnies and listen to my new records.

Friday, October 17, 2008

mixed up mix tape.

I wish I didn't have feelings, they really freak me out and make me insane. Also I think I would do away with estrogen if it didn't make me so darn pretty. That being said I feel very mixed up lately, so since I can't seem to put it into words... this is what I'm feeling lately.
(in mixtape form!!! sorry I don't know how to make a cool download. you should buy them all anyway.)




The Mr. T Experience - I Just Want To Do It With You.

Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World

The Muffs - Crush Me

Dreamdate - New York City

That Dog - Long Island

The Get Up Kids - Last Place You Look

Paul Baribeau - Ten Things


Okay so there are probably a lot more songs that would describe the fucked up shit I'm feeling but I guess I am trying to be positive.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

my hair...

...smells like purple.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

little lungs

I went running tonight, I managed to strap myself down with 1 bra, 2 sports bras, and 1 bathing suit top. I was an immovable force. Running was easy, my legs work just fine, breathing was the hard part!

So I'm strapped down, which is making it hard to breathe, I was short of breath just looking for my tennis shoes, and on top of that I'm running at a pretty good pace (its dark and I'm scared) basically this is not routine for me and I'm a weakling. I had my big metal water bottle in case anyone tried to mess with me, but the only thing that did was a little dog. It scared the shit out of me.

I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, I mean, it looks ghetto, and people get shot, but only if they're looking for trouble. Its all latino families and kids and old ladies, so I feel really safe on the streets at night, which would probably freak my dad out. I made sure to only go to the left of my house where the other houses are, cause one block right is the main street with all the stores and people would be around, I also think that's where the "ghetto" starts. Haha.

I also don't like people "seeing" me excersize, I guess since everyone is a stranger here its okay, but in my old neighborhood everyone would try to talk to me about it, or ask why I stopped if I gave up. I also don't like to look weak in front of people, for example all my huffing and puffing tonight. My parents never excersized and I've never been really encouraged to do so, so it always felt like a shameful activity, like I was trying to be better than them. That's a really dumb way to think but I guess that's how I felt? I am over that now I think, but I'm still really private about it. Its weird!

My lungs feel like there is a deflated balloon wrapped around them, every breath seems like I'm working for it, and breathing still kind of hurts. When I breathe deep I want to cough. I think I freaked my body out, its not used to this kind of stuff. Haha. Anyway I should probably go to bed, I have to work in the morning.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Sunny D.

I am starting to feel better, I mostly only feel shitty at work, and that's because I'm at work. Also its really dusty and dirty here. Bleck! I want to try running tonight, but apparently I need like 10 more sports bras before I even try... okay that's an exaggeration, but I was told I should wear 3 of them, plus my regular bra to make for a non bouncy, no stretch marky run. Why the hell can't I just buy ONE that WORKS? I know society likes boobs, but they're really fucking inconvenient. I can't wear button up shirts, or find bathing suits that fit me, or run without wearing a shitload of sports bras and an ace bandage (yes my friend suggested I "ace bandage" myself down cause apparently that really helps.) Oh lord. Life is hard.

I know I rant a lot, but I'm actually very happy, life is just so rediculous sometimes. I've been feeling really good lately (other than being sick) and I'm just excited about everything thats coming up for me. I get to go on vacation in 3 weeks, the band is doing good despite the occasional tantrum (not from me!) Its just like I constantly have something to look forward to, which is exciting and I'm not used to it!



TIMELINE OF FUCKING GREAT SHIT:

october 18th - we're playing this weird hardcore show, its going to be super awkward but I don't care.

october 20th - loved ones at bottom of the hill, alexis's birthday. I have no idea what to get her.

october 24th - party for leo's birthday and trevor and alexis's anniversary! I'm going to make an ice cream cake.

october 29th - leave for first vacation!! hang out with amazing people and see amazing bands! NOT SLEEP!

november 8th - we're playing nickel city with jonah matranga, this is going to be weird. haha but cool.

november 9th - we're playing with fireworks at gilman (first gilman show) and i think we actually fit in with these bands and people might like us.

november 13th - vacation part deux! I am going to new jersey for the last ergs show, and a million other shows. I get to hang out with an awesome guy and lots of awesome friends. I get to eat tons of vegan food!! I might be looking forward to this vacation the most.

november 19th - sleep all day. (vacation from my vacation)



when I come back I get to worry about thanksgiving and stuffing my face with food, winter is always awesome cause I get to see my family and wear scarfs and stay inside and watch movies all the time. I get to bake as much as I want cause the oven makes the house warmer. I get to experience my first holiday away from home, its going to be weird but fun.

I feel really positive that everything is going to be okay.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

reading, cookies & parties.

Today I slept in till 1pm. My casa kid bailed on me cause she had to do laundry and see her dad, I am totally okay with that. I was feeling sick still last night so I didn't really want to get up today anyway.
My roommates made me drink "grandpa tea" this morning, which smells disgusting but with the right amount of agave nectar tastes just fine. It actually made me feel a lot better. I stayed in bed most of the day and watched TV on DVD and finished the book I was reading.

Finishing books feels really good, I don't do it enough, I don't read enough, I'm trying to fix that. I will probably start a new book tonight, I'm pretty excited. It comes highly recommended. I have a bunch of books just waiting for me to read them.

I got a package in the mail today from a friend, getting packages in the mail is basically the best feeling ever. I can't express enough how good it makes me feel!
I also went grocery shopping today and made cookies, basically I had an extremely productive and unproductive day. It was awesome cause I felt like I did absolutely nothing. Which is what I prefer to do anyway. I'm a lazy jerk.

After I made cookies and finished books and did tons of nothing I went to a party at my friend chris piss's house. I was promised there would be a couch on fire, I saw no couch!!! I did manage to unload an annoying box of old bills that's been in my trunk for months. I can't just recycle that shit cause I get nervous about identity theft and so throwing that box on the fire made me feel instantly better.

I hung out for about two hours and then headed home, there were a tons of kids I knew and even more I didn't. Whenever I go to parties like that I feel better about myself cause I'm not a total loser and I'm not huffing endust. I basically hung out by the fire the whole time cause it was so cold.

I think I need to sleep now, I have to work in the morning!! Blehck. Goodnight.

Friday, October 10, 2008

all aboard! head cold city!!

Last night I thought my nose sounded like a train whistle, I was trying to go to sleep and it made the train noise twice when I breathed out. I was totally shocked and amazed and tried to make the noise more. Then I heard the actual train and realized I was dillusional from being up too late.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

you inspire me.

Sometimes you meet someone, and somehow they manage to change your whole perception of what you want to be doing and who you want to be. Its really scary at first, but also you feel good all over like you've been submerged underwater for a long time and can finally breathe. Its like that first breath of life that's making you appreciate what you are and what you have all over again. The pressure is off and you can just be you.

I feel so lucky to be feeling this, along with the encouragement you give me to persue things I'm not really confident about. When you tell me I can its like I just jump in, which I don't think I ever could have done without that push. I know you don't realize you make me feel this way, but you do, and I want to say thank you. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Monday, October 6, 2008

p.s.

I just get really nervous. I'm trying not to mess things up.

mostly angry, negative post.

My nose won't stop running, I want to rip it off of my face. At least I didn't have to go to gilman last night cause the bunny canceled. I had a weird night and said some dumb stuff but I think its okay now. Every time I'm really happy I freak out and say dumb shit and mess everything up! I really wish I could just shut up sometimes. I'm sorry. Other than that I stayed up too late watching fosters home for imaginary friends and trying to be a good host. Oh and trevor caught a huge spider. I love my roommates for being rad and friendly even when they hate my houseguests. I feel extra complainy today so I'm just going to stop there, on a positive note.

Sunday, October 5, 2008







As promised, here are some flyers I made. I get really excited and sometimes go a little overboard with the colors, (as you can tell in the 2nd flyer) but why the hell does photoshop give me so many if they don't want me using them!!?? Haha yeah also my brain doesn't work so good for this art stuff at 3am. I really like the last flyer cause its very simple, and I think I want to make more like that.

Tonight I have to go to gilman to supervise (I'm important) a video shoot for NO BUNNY. Apparently this guy dresses up like a bunny and shoves the microphone down the front of his underwear, basically I'm really interested to see what is going to happen. Unfortunately I'm also really tired and kind of sick and would rather not drive an hour or deal with any of this crap. I also have a friend driving through town tonight thats staying at my place. He talks about himself a lot and is kind of creepy so I don't want to deal with that either. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep!!! I will feel better in the morning... when he leaves.

I feel like i've been a cranky pants lately, and not so much a good friend. I'm always too busy for anyone and anything and it sucks. When I do have downtime I spend it doing laundry or cleaning my house or watching DVD's by myself. I am so exciting. I really can't wait to go on vacation, it won't solve anything but I know I will come back a lot less cranky and stressed out. 26 days... oh god!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

rain. work. vacation. art. lunch.

It rained last night. The first time in a while, I always forget how much I like fall. I had a great show last night with Paul Baribeau, Goodluck, Fischer and Sourpatch. It was my biggest show to date and lots of kids came out. It was one of those crowds where everyone there was in really good spirits and having a good time, no one was an asshole. It ruled. I got to sing a song with sourpatch which was totally fun. I couldn't hear myself at all but I got lots of compliments after so I guess I did okay. I hope someone took pictures.

I am stuck at work today and I'm starting to feel sick. I woke up with a sore throat, probably from too much singing yesterday. (band practice, and then the show) I really just want to go home and rest, oh well I can't complain too much. I need the money!

At the end of the month I am going to Florida for the fest. I am super duper anxious to get the hell out of here and go have some fun. There are hundreds of bands and people I am excited to see, and one person in particular I am REALLY excited to see! (If florida doesnt kill you first) I'm going to run around all weekend and go crazy and try to stop occasionally to breathe/sleep/eat! I can't wait!

I feel like i've been having a bit of writers block lately. I think i'm just too happy? I've been in super good spirits lately and its affecting my ability to create effectively. I have been doing a lot more arty stuff like flyers and I'm working on making a large stencily thing to make a tee shirt but so far I am totally failing at that. Also a few nights ago I was up till 3am making a flyer that looked like I was under the influence of psychedellic drugs. I like colors. LOTS of colors. SOOORRYY!! My roommate said if he saw that somewhere he wouldn't even try to read it. So basically I toned it down. I will try to post them soon.

I think its time for lunch.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Sourpatch, Goodluck & Paul Baribeau in Santa Cruz

On tuesday I went to see some of my friends play in Santa Cruz! It was way fun! So the show was supposed to start at 7, right after I got off work in Santa Cruz. I went to the show at 6:50 and proceeded to wait 40 minutes for the first band to set up. They seriously took forever and I don't understand what took them so long, but they were okay. The guitarist was really weird looking but very talented, and the majority of the band was short guys, he towered over them. Also they had an accordian player who I stared at for the majority of the set convinced that if I watched his hands I could somehow teach myself to play the accordian. The singer sounded like he was really trying to be Tom Grabel from against me. He didn't play anything he just sort of wiggled around. It was okay. The bass player's clothes were really small and he was a small guy too so it was very off putting. I made the mistake of standing in the front for the beginning of the set which made me unable to leave the front without feeling like an asshole. Shit I'm way too nice. After them my friend Mombo played acoustic and sang. He is good at the guitar but his voice is strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Its like he's going for a HWM type of sound but like he wouldn't naturally sing that way.

Next was sourpatch! pictured below!! They ruled, and I only have gooey amazing nice stuff to say about them so I will spare you.








Next was goodluck! I was blown away, they were totally amazing. Everyone went apeshit.





Next was paul baribeau, He only played 4 songs because the first band took so long to actually set up and play. I totally and completely blame them. Also it was a house show and no one mentioned it had to be over by 1030 until 9:30 when goodluck were setting up. He was amazing, despite the time limit and he told me after he was really pissed but didn't show it, he's a good sport.





After the show a bunch of us went to Saturn cafe (one of my very favorite vegetarian restaurants) to drink milkshakes and eat food. It was really fun. A bunch of people stiffed us on the check cause we had a group of 15 so that sucked. I didn't know some of the weirdos at the other side of the table. they looked dirty and poor. Rich likes r. kelly.

Me and Jennifer

Mandie through my blue water glass.

Nicole through same blue water glass, she is touching her elbow. I think she was dancing.

Something really funny happened.


The following day rich came with me to Berkeley to flyer the show, we didn't get a lot of flyering done but we did eat at herbivore, which was delicious. I got the soy chicken shwarma ( I spelled that right first try!) and a vegan chocolate shake. It was super chocolately and I really liked it.
Rich ordered the same thing with no pickles or avocado, but our server GASTON messed up and gave us the wrong one so he ate the one with the pickles and avocado and I was bummed for missing out on all that glorious avacado. Pickles are just meh.

GASTON!!!